


The First of Many

by Sarek and Amanda Archive Maintainer (Selek)



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: F/M, Mila - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-21
Updated: 2013-03-21
Packaged: 2017-12-06 01:22:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/730041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selek/pseuds/Sarek%20and%20Amanda%20Archive%20Maintainer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amanda discovers a mystery on Vulcan.</p><p>Written by Mila.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First of Many

The First of Many

By Mila

 

Rating: R

Summary: Amanda discovers a mystery on Vulcan.

 

 

A/N: Hey! I've got a new story for you. It's a mystery, so it will be a little different from what I've written before. The story is already betaed by Selek. I've actually started writing the story almost two months ago, but I was hesitating about posting it because of the slow progress.

 

I was writing this story before I disappeared and left it unfinished. I hate unfinished stories myself, and I didn't want to leave it like that, so I wrote an ending.

 

Chapter 1

 

As soon as she stepped over the line she felt the change. The air seemed to be sharper, the heat more pressing. Instantly, she was on guard.

The transition did not happen, as she always expected, when she opened the door and left her house to abandon herself to the elements, but only after she stepped over the almost unnoticeable border between the garden that still belonged to her home, and the street, which was neither marked by a fence nor a door.

Her first expression was one of tension, which would be extinguished by a radiant smile that would rein in all the inner anxiety, only showing her composure.

Thus prepared, she followed with her eyes the invisible trail of offshoots with a few isolated flowers in between, leading to his feet, then from his shoes to the seam of his trousers and up the lines on his tunic, until she finally met his gaze. "Have a nice day, Sarek."

He was unchanged, like the image she had of him. A calm face. A calm bearing. A tallness, which made him visible in crowds. He inclined his head. "And a productive day to you, as well, my wife."

He turned to go. One last glance at his retreating back, then she was on her way as well, Spock in tow.

Delivering Spock to Nursery School, she made her way to the shuttle station. She walked slightly out of rhythm, like someone not breathing deeply, long steps and inclined forward, as if racing.

Everywhere, though it was still so early, there was a stirring, a beating of shoe-clad feet on the stony ground, ruffling of clothes, youngsters going to school, others going to work, and even now, at this hour, distinguished-looking Vulcans hurrying on errands of mystery, wrapped in the mist and soft humidity of the morning air, which would lift as the day wore on. As she watched them, she could not quite fit them in the orderly alignment of the city.

And how strange, the young offshoots on the hard ground, in contrast to the meticulously arranged decorative plants along the streets. The young plants were left completely to their devices, the Vulcans seemingly ignoring their existence. Yet they stood out, like Amanda felt herself, among the masses of Vulcans all around her.

They lined up so close together that she could no longer see the street or the houses across the way. From all sides they seemed to advance, as if to engulf her. Their unmoving, inhuman faces made her feel uneasy.

Amanda felt a shrinking of her whole body as she shrank from the crowd that seemed more alien than ever, enlivened somehow with some secret knowledge all seemed to share, excluding her. She felt as a child in an enormous world of menacing giants. She felt brittle and crushable.

The feeling of fragility was so strong that she felt surprised when she saw her image in a dark window. Her face looked composed, expressionless, giving nothing away of her inner turmoil.

It was the face of a serious young woman, equal to her surroundings. In the reflection was the image of the person she had become since coming to live on Vulcan, the image she showed to the world, but her inner self could be upset by the tiniest change of atmosphere.

The travel seemed to last forever, yet she was in no hurry to reach her final destination.

The buildings of the Vulcan Science Academy never failed to make an impression on her, with the narrow windows deeply set in the walls, the corners strengthened with large jutting stones, and with a quantity of grotesque carvings on the walls, especially about the principal door. The whole complex was like a maze, an unknown number of buildings connected in the strangest ways, some under ground. It had been built over many centuries, the myriad styles and shapes layered over each other, the oldest parts almost forgotten, covered up by later works.

Amanda only knew her part of the Academy, and even there she managed to get lost from time to time. There was no telling how many unknown, hidden parts there were inside.

Now almost at the entrance, Amanda found herself stalling. Slowing her steps, she let her eyes wander about the Academy grounds. The wild plants were here as well, so out of place in these distinguished gardens, the pinnacle of Vulcan aesthetics. Cheerfully defying the symmetry around them, they comfortably grew everywhere they liked, their mere existence a mockery of the Vulcan-imposed order. This thought brought on an instant improvement of Amanda's mood.

Only a few days ago a very rare occurrence had taken place on Vulcan. It had rained. And like all good desert rains it had been violent and long-lasting. As a result, the seemingly lifeless Vulcan landscape was slowly transforming into a beautiful garden. Each time Amanda noticed a new patch of green she felt delighted.

It had been even better that first day, when the water had poured out of the darkened sky, relentlessly, with no end in sight. She had felt exhilarated, had not been able to resist the urge to run outside and get drenched, and had stood there, in the stream, her eyes closed, her mouth open, trying to swallow as much rain as she could.

Sarek had not followed her outside. He had only greeted her with an unreadable expression when she had gone back to him to tell him how beautiful it was outside, how delicious the cool wetness covering her whole body was, after years of the hot, dry air. Then he had simply told her that she was wetting the floor of his office.

Amanda felt again the disappointment at Sarek's reaction to the rain. Not once had he left the house during the few days the rain had lasted. One would think that after years of drought the rain would have been more of an event. No matter how much Vulcans liked their desert, it was the water that brought life, after all. But even seeing her after a water shower made Sarek uncomfortable. The other Vulcans acted in the exact same way. She had not seen a single Vulcan outside until it was completely dry again. Like nothing else, this first experience with Vulcan rain had made Amanda feel alien.

Entering the building, the receptionist at the entrance looked at her, a look which appeared to Amanda as expressing a question, a doubt. Amanda walked up to the desk and said haltingly: "Didn't… my husband send the certificate of absence due to rain?"

"Your husband took care of everything," said the receptionist.

Amanda flushed angrily. She was about to say: Then why did you stare at me? And why the undertone of irony on your face? And why had she herself hesitated at the word husband?

 

Chapter 2

 

The day went from bad to worse. The strange nervousness that had seized her that morning had stayed with her until she was imagining rustles, swooshings, whooshings, and footsteps around every corner. There seemed to be something just out of focus, out of the periphery of her vision, that she was failing to see whenever she turned. It took all her willpower to force herself to remain calm and still and not to chase her phantoms. By the time she readied herself to go to the talk, she felt exhausted.

Most seats were already taken when she entered the room. She spotted T'Ris in one of the back seats and went to sit with her. The younger girl was glad to see her, but tried to conceal it. It was an unwritten rule that students like T'Ris sat in the last rows, and left the front seats to the scientists. Amanda didn't mind, though. She preferred the company. Besides, she was a very junior member of staff.

Their department was one of the best on the planet, and the guests they invited to give talks showed that. Of course, with a session scheduled every five days, not all guests could be exceptional. Normally, they had one or two scientists from neighbouring cities, followed by a few talks by members of their department. The content of the talks varied as well. They had had the rare honour to be the first to hear of a breakthrough, but mostly scientific work was done in small steps.

This time was no exception. They had two guests from T'Paal, followed by V'Lar and Sonak from their department. Neither of these worked in areas that were particularly close to Amanda's heart and she found it difficult to follow what was being said. She got the feeling, though, that she wasn't missing much.

Instead, she took a closer look at the Vulcan girl next to her. T'Ris was lighter in colouring than many Vulcans, her hair a definite brown with no hint of black in it. She also looked short and plump, even though she was a tiny bit taller than Amanda and firmly held her weight within the acceptable norm. But that did nothing to conceal the roundness of her cheeks, which was only enhanced by her tiny turned-up nose that looked almost lost on her face. The Vulcan-cut hair didn't help matters, either. It only made her face look rounder.

Although she was only a couple of years younger than Amanda, she was still a student. She was neither particularly brilliant nor exceptionally studious, but she had a strong sense of duty and despite Vulcan non-emotionalism enjoyed success. For that reason T'Ris was one of a small number of final-year students who attended the talks. Students were not expected to attend these, though they were encouraged to do so at least a few times, to get an idea where their studies were going.

At the very beginning, T'Ris had been suspicious of the Human woman who had suddenly appeared at the VSA. After the first time Amanda gave a talk, she followed her to ask her questions that she had been too shy to ask in front of her instructors. At first, she arrogantly questioned every single one of Amanda's conclusions, and criticised the lively, emotional way the talk had been given. Other discussions followed, encouraged by Amanda, who enjoyed the company of the engaging, not shy and quite talkative girl, as well as the opportunity to teach.

Amanda was a researcher, and it would be years before she became an instructor. To teach was considered the greatest honour for the scientists, and only the highest qualified members of staff were instructors. Of course, another reason for this was that a young scientist could do more research, and Amanda was glad for the extra time for research despite her affinity for teaching.

The meetings with T'Ris turned out to be mutually beneficial, and Amanda was convinced that a tentative friendship was forming between them. The Vulcan girl was open-minded, eager to experience new things and, had she not been Vulcan, she could have been called cheerful. Her most prominent characteristic, however, was her calmness. It was not just the Vulcan training, either. Her ability not to let anything upset her balance was noticeable, even among her species.

That is what Amanda liked best about her. Whatever upset her, whatever made her nerves coil until she thought they would snap, disappeared as soon as she was around T'Ris. But now T'Ris could only be described as tense.

Sonak, the last speaker, ended his talk and came over to where Amanda was sitting. With each of his steps the tension in T'Ris seemed to grow, until it seemed to be a tangible thing charging the air around her. Amanda could not tell why. She was not particularly close to Sonak, and she had a feeling he preferred it that way.

As far as she was able to tell, Sonak seemed to be in a good mood. "You have been acquainted with Vulcan rain, at last. It was the first time you experienced it, was it not?"

Amanda was a bit surprised by the collegial friendliness but only the happier for it. "Oh, yes. It was marvellous. It…"

"You are forgetting that rain is a common occurrence on Terra, sir," interrupted T'Ris unexpectedly.

"Indeed. You did not find it particularly enjoyable, then?" Sonak asked Amanda.

"I loved it! I loved the rain and I love the new plants. I've never seen Vulcan look like this before. I never imagined... I even love to feel the remaining humidity in the mornings."

Sonak seemed surprised, and tried to hide it. "The dew on the grass, in the misty half-light..." It sounded like he was reciting something. Amanda brightened at this unexpected side to her colleague.

Before she could reply, T'Ris chimed in again. "There are many similar experiences within different humanoid species. It is not an exceptional coincidence."

Sonak looked thoughtful. "Would you say Vulcans experience rain the same way Humans do?" The question was clearly directed at Amanda.

T'Ris gasped. "That is not what I was talking about. I only meant."

Confused and a little put out at T'Ris' behaviour, Amanda said: "Not at all. You are the first Vulcan to say something positive about the rain. First you all stay inside and then you act like nothing happened. I thought you'd have nothing else to talk about for days! But no one said a word about it."

As soon as she stopped talking she realized she had said something wrong. Both Vulcans were staring at her, T'Ris with an almost angry look and Sonak with impossible condescension.

"Fascinating," was all he said, before excusing himself. T'Ris left as well. Her classes for the day were over, so she would probably go home, Amanda thought.

There was some time before their two guest speakers had to leave for T'Paal. If they had been on Terra, they would have gone out, maybe to a restaurant, or just to have a drink. Instead, the remaining people moved to one of the smaller seminar rooms, where tea had been brought for them. There would be no small talk though, only scientific discussions until the guests had to go. Upset about T'Ris' behaviour and severely confused, Amanda was only too happy to have something else to concentrate on. She was one of the last to leave.

Amanda wondered as she walked down the dark corridor. What could account for that curious feeling of uneasiness she had had since morning? That feeling that something was not right...

She was jerked out of her thoughts when she heard raised voices, still rather faint. But this was Vulcan and raised voices were too unusual to ignore. Her steps grew slower and slower... she stopped. It was unmistakeably T'Ris' voice she had heard. Almost without conscious thought she started moving again, quietly, keeping in mind the more acute Vulcan hearing.

For once thankful for the twisted little corridors and dark corners of the VSA that made getting lost so easy, she advanced until she could hear what was being said. Identifying the second speaker turned out to be easy, even though she was hidden from view behind a corner and didn't dare look around. His voice was well known to her. It was Sonak.

"You can think of it as further instruction. I might only be expected to teach you linguistics, but I am still your teacher and this lesson is too important to miss."

"It was not necessary--"

"It was. You were ready to believe what you wanted to believe out of a personal affinity for her. That is unacceptable." There was a short pause, and it became so still, Amanda could hear herself breathe. Then he went on. "You understand that she cannot be told."

"There are many reasons why she might not know. She is Human. As such she might--"

"That is of no consequence. It is obvious she cannot be trusted with certain information. You will not tell her." Another pause. "Is that understood?"

"Yes," said T'Ris finally, and then they both started moving, their footsteps clear on the stony ground.

One pair of steps grew faint, the other grew more defined, coming closer each time the foot hit the ground. By the time they were close enough that Amanda thought the next step would put them right in front of her, they started to move away as well.

Amanda took a deep breath and then let it out slowly, feeling the relief about not being caught, before her insides clenched. Something really was going on.

 

 

Chapter 3

 

Strange, how perception changes with the change of outlook. Once one knows what to look for, things get noticed much easier.

Everyone around her seemed to be in disarray, moving a little slower with sudden, jerky movements. The famed Vulcan restfulness having disappeared, Amanda became aware of the tension around her. And it had all been reflected on her, causing her anxiety. She could see it all now, all those small differences that she had been noticing the whole day, if only subconsciously. But how peculiar to see Vulcans, who were always so particular about punctuality, hurrying down corridors, rushing through doors, all the while trying to appear unperturbed.

Finally! The work was finished and Amanda could go home. But it is so obvious that she is hiding something, Amanda thought, as, leaving the dark stone building, she saw V'Lar, her colleague, pass in front of the receptionist, holding her bag with the obvious bulge in it away from the receptionist's eyes. Amanda, only a few steps behind and unnoticed, watched V'Lar try to exchange a few polite words with the receptionist, then turn towards the door, all the while twisting and turning her bag to make it as unnoticeable as possible.

Straightening herself, Amanda started after her to follow this woman. Even with her back turned towards her, V'Lar still seemed to send her a signal which connected them. She had successfully managed to conceal her bag from everyone but Amanda, the Human woman who should have been the first to guard against.

But she is in a hurry, thought Amanda, the thin long cloak she had seen her wear stirred by the wind as she rushed down the steps. She walked through the front gardens, not taking the time to look around. Amanda followed her. To embarrass her was the last thing she wished. Still, if she stopped, she would say what a coincidence it was that they were leaving the Academy together. And V'Lar would answer perfectly simply with, "Oh, yes."

But other people got between them in the street, obstructing her. She pursued; V'Lar changed direction. Colour came into Amanda's cheeks as she tried to keep up. She was an adventuress, reckless, she thought, swift, daring. On and on she went, down the winding side streets in this old part of the city.

Her excitement growing, she turned down one of the little streets, then another and another, each one more deserted than the last, hiding behind every corner, behind every protrusion. And now, the great moment was approaching, for now V'Lar slackened, looked around to assure herself that she was alone (in her thoughtless haste missing Amanda who was crouching behind a low fence not ten metres away from her), opened her bag and dragged out a ripe, overgrown, succulent likk’el fruit. After admiring it for a long moment, she put it back and walked on.

Amanda, having completely lost any wish to pursue her further, stood up, dusted her robe and turned around, trying to remember where she had come from.

A likk’el fruit. Ick! Of all the… She would never understand Vulcans, Amanda was sure of that.

It was one of those curiosities that Humans were introduced to when they came to Vulcan. Their fellow Humans who had been on Vulcan a little longer told them about the plant. The newcomers then had to search for a stand that sold likk’el. They made it sound like an initiation ceremony, or even a test of courage, but it was an extremely fun way to get to know the nearby places, without the usual tourist feel to the outings.

The grey, uninviting-looking fruits with the hard, rough and gnarled surface and jelly insides were edible for Humans but had a disgusting taste and no nutritional value. They were never sold in shops or other common places. But at any given time there was an inconspicuous stand that sold them, usually without the merchant standing nearby. That was not too strange on Vulcan. It was perfectly acceptable to leave a stand unsupervised. No one would steal anything, and if someone wanted to buy the fruits, they could do the transaction on their own by transferring the appropriate amount of credits.

Even more difficult than finding the fruits were finding the buyers. It was almost impossible to catch a Vulcan in action. In fact, Amanda had never met a Vulcan who admitted to eating likk’el.

During the years she had spent on Vulcan she had only once managed to see a likk’el merchant. It had still been night and Amanda, lonely for Sarek who was again gone on some mission, had been wandering the streets of Shi’Kahr. The old woman setting up the stand had visibly jumped at seeing her. Curious, Amanda had gone over to her.

"Do you wish to buy a likk’el?" the merchant woman had asked.

"No, thank you. They are not really palatable for Humans. What about you? Do you like them?"

"That is of no importance. They simply are."

"But you eat them."

"I do not."

"So you don't like them?"

"I did not say that."

"I don't understand. Why else did you stop eating them?"

"I have never eaten a likk’el."

Amanda had found that hard to believe, but to say so would have meant she was accusing the older woman of lying, a great insult on Vulcan. So she had gone in a different direction. "But a lot of people buy them, right?"

"There are people who buy them, yes."

"And they wouldn't if they didn't like the taste, right?"

"That is a possibility."

"What's the other possibility?" Amanda had to admit the questioning had been rude, but Vulcans could be so infuriating sometimes, never giving a direct answer.

"The likk'el contains a lot of water..."

"You mean you can use it like a gel?"

The merchant had just stared at her, and Amanda had been forced to ask again. "Do you use it to moisturise your skin?"

"I do not. Do you wish to buy a likk'el? You may use it any way you want."

Amanda had been forced to stop the questions and leave after that, her curiosity unsatisfied. She was none the wiser now, but she had long since given up on ever finding out.

 

 

Chapter 4

 

Amanda sighed. The only thing her little chase had accomplished was that she was late to pick up Spock. She had been forced to ask for directions, but fortunately the inhabitants of ShiKahr were not entirely unused to alien tourists. In fact, it was her Vulcan attire that they found most peculiar.

Spock was waiting for her. He seemed, if not exactly worried, then at least impatient. "You are late," he said, greeting her.

Amanda wasn't sure how to answer that. What she was sure of was that she never wanted to mention that she stalked her colleagues on their way home. So she went for a half-truth. "I took a route through the Old City and lost my way. I had to ask directions."

Spock rolled his eyes. "You always lose your way."

"So I do. You've got a ditzy mother. Deal with it."

"Well, you are Human," he pronounced in his grand manner, as if that explained every misgiving. "It is easier to remember one route. That way you will always get where you want to go."

Great. Now he was parroting back Sarek's instructions to her. One more of those comments and Amanda would start considering some good old-fashioned methods for raising cheeky brats. She changed the topic. "So how was school today? Did you learn something interesting?"

"We learned some new dance moves."

"Really? Last time I saw, your dance looked pretty complete."

He rolled his eyes again. "Those were just the basic steps."

"Well, can you show me?"

Surprisingly enough, Spock didn't mind. He stopped in the middle of the street, went into the starting position and executed some very exotic moves. Then he looked up at her, proud and expectant.

"Oh, was that an Orion dance?"

Spock looked astonished. Clearly, the idea seemed quite impossible to him. "No. It is Vulcan."

"Are you sure? You danced just like those green women. Come to think of it, you are dressed like them, too." Amanda looked over her scantily dressed son, not really liking the comparison.

"You did not like it," Spock said rather decisively.

"I didn't say that. But maybe it's not meant to be danced outside on the street."

Spock nodded, not looking up.

"Or maybe... Well, are you sure you did it correctly?"

"Yes," cried Spock, and then he started to weep.

Instantly, Amanda felt bewildered stares from all directions. She could just imagine what they were thinking. Some weird alien making a perfectly nice little Vulcan boy cry. Some days...

She tried to calm him down, while simultaneously steering him home, away from the watching eyes. He stopped crying, but he still looked upset. Amanda put on her most cheerful look. "Oh, you can't look like that on a day like this! It's far too beautiful. What do you think, how many flowers will there be in our garden?"

"There is nothing special about today. The flowers are just there because of the rain."

"But the rain sure was special, and so are the flowers."

"The rain is not special. It is just water."

Amanda stared at her son, baffled. He had been even more thrilled about the rain than she. He had stayed outside as long as he could get away with, going as far as sneaking behind her back and discovering playing in the mud all on his own. Even that morning he had been watching the offshoots in their garden, touching them, trying to discover how they had grown so fast. But after a few hours spent in the company of his Vulcan peers and teachers he had adopted the Vulcan attitude towards rain.

They walked on in silence, Amanda thinking dark thoughts about Vulcans in general, and Spock's teachers in particular. Not for the first time did she wish he didn't have to go to Nursery School while he was still so impressionable, knowing that it was futile. He already stuck out like a sore thumb, no matter what he did. To not raise him like other Vulcan children and then expect him to live with them would just be cruel. But she dreaded the thought that some day he might become alien to her. She felt so helpless, so overwhelmed with the impossibility of the situation.

It was at this precise moment of inner unbalance that Sarek's image appeared, like a snap-shot, looking exactly as he did when they parted that morning, calm and grave. Even in her imagination she could never see him playful, smiling, or reckless, or carefree. This was how he always appeared to her, listening and waiting, detached, or sitting in meditation as a spectator.

Whenever Amanda felt either panic, or a shrinking, diminishing of her inner self, this image of Sarek would appear, and with it, her desire to return home.

Spock's reply only added to what had been a difficult day. Feeling lost and confused, everything seemed to become oppressive, every step heavy. She was only a few hundred metres away from home, yet the distance seemed enormous, the task of reaching home overwhelming.

She walked slowly. The house she reached was not striking, fitting in seamlessly with the landscape and the nearby architecture, tasteful, but by no means remarkable compared to its neighbouring houses. But it was surprisingly big on the inside, a little excessive for a couple with one small child, and quite luxurious.

She still had to prepare a meal and feed Spock before she could let go. It would drain the very last of her strength. But I have time, she thought. He will not be there yet. I will be free of all chaos when he returns, and he will be happy to see me.

Just before she reached the entrance she saw a thin ray of light under the door and she felt a warm joy fill her whole body. He was there and everything else she had experienced ceased to matter. This is happiness, she thought. What could possibly make me want to leave him?

Sarek must have heard them for he was the one who opened the door to the unchanging inner space of their home. He stood at the door and what she saw first of all was his almost-smile. It narrowed his eyes and blurred his features a little, making him look even more faun-like than he already did. He stood very erect with an almost military bearing, and being so much taller than her, his head bent down to look down on Amanda.

He always greeted her with a tenderness which seemed to assume she had been in some trouble. He automatically rushed to comfort and protect. The strange, continuous tension she had felt dissolved in his presence.

He guided them inside, closing the door carefully. "You have had a long day?" he asked, having noticed her slight delay.

For a moment, because of the caressing voice, the acceptance and the affection he showed, she was tempted to tell him that she didn't deserve all that; that the face she presented to him was carefully composed so that it wouldn't show what went on inside her; that she wanted, wanted. That she was too Human after all.

She held her breath. That was what she always did, held her breath so the truth would never come out. She could not bear to think that the trust she felt in his evenly modulated voice, in his harmonious manners never sudden or violent, in his thoughts which he weighed before articulating, in his opinions which were moderate, could be shattered. That the almost-smile would vanish from his face.

 

 

Chapter 5

 

During the brief moment it took to go inside, she made a transformation. The tumultuous woman who was always full of doubts disappeared, and she became the woman Sarek believed her to be. It all came so naturally, slipping into the daily routine of preparing food while recounting some of her day's events, then listening Sarek do the same while he laid the table, and simultaneously responding to Spock's thrown-in comments.

A brightness came into her face, a lightness to her step. She had been exhausted on her way home, only wishing for stillness. But now all that was banned, replaced by a laboriously constructed cheerfulness, and it was much more apparent than any true joy she ever felt, having come to be so much more contained since living on Vulcan.

This image of herself that she presented to Sarek was that of the naïve young girl he had married almost five years ago. With each passing year a new part had been added to it which she had been unable to show him. Instead, she created this idealized version of herself for his pleasure.

At the same time, she wished she could tell him what went on inside her. She longed for the deep personal sharing that had characterized their marriage at the very beginning. She wished he would lose his confidence that she was unchanged and instead seek again a complete knowledge of her.

It was all so maddening, this estrangement amidst the utter familiarity of the scene. Suddenly seized by an overwhelming wish to share of herself, if only a little bit, she could hardly wait for Spock's bedtime. She would go to Sarek, she would tell him... Well, she could not tell him everything. She couldn't tell him anything, really. But the day's events she could talk about. Yes, she would tell him of her suspicions. They would have a long talk, and he would reassure her, explain what was going on. And it would be one secret less she would be keeping from him.

The closer she came to talking to him the less she knew how to start. What had seemed like irrefutable evidence that something was going on now seemed like the constructs of a confused mind.

Taking one of her old Terran books, she held it in front of her like a shield. She walked over to where he was sitting in the big, comfortable chair under the lamp light. Sitting down in the chair beside him she pretended to be reading before she started to speak. "Sarek, what are you doing?"

He looked up without moving his head, then looked down on his PADD again. "I am going over the day's work. There were a few discussions that were left unresolved."

"You did come home rather early. Was something the matter today?"

Sarek raised an eyebrow. "Not at all. There was no urgent business, so we decided to look into the upcoming negotiations with the Algolians."

"But it's months till then."

"Precisely. There is not much to be done at this stage. So we left earlier than usual."

"Are you taking time off from work? Giving yourself a few day's rest? I can see how you might be tempted, with the recent weather and --"

"No, Amanda. My schedule is quite full. I merely gave myself some extra time to prepare for the commemoration tomorrow." He paused, looking at her a little accusingly. "You do remember that?"

"Yes, yes. Of course. So nothing unusual, then?" she asked quickly, not losing track of the main topic, before he could steer the conversation towards the commemoration. How could she forget that? Not a day had gone by in the last few weeks that he had not mentioned it.

"Unusual? I am not sure what you mean, but I assure you everything is in order."

"I was asking because..." She gave a nervous little laugh, then started to speak in jerky, disconnected sentences. "It sounds silly, I suppose, but the whole day I've been noticing things. Nothing you could put your finger on. A lot of people being late or in a hurry, or just agitated. None of this is strange on its own. It happens, I mean even on Vulcan people can be late. But it happens too often, you know?"

"So you are saying that you have noticed a sudden change of behaviour in whom exactly?"

"Well, everyone, really. I mean, I only know of my colleagues that were late. But everyone today - everyone I've talked to, or even just people on the street --"

"So everyone happened to be in a hurry today?"

"No, not in a hurry. Or, at least, not just that. The first thing I noticed this morning was the amount of people outside."

"That is hardly surprising. Most people start work at similar times in the morning."

"I know that! I've lived here for quite some time now. I know how many people there are outside in the morning. This was different. And also, they were... I don't know how to describe them. Agitated maybe, or lively. Livelier than usual, that is."

"Indeed. And what do you attribute this inexplicable sudden change to?"

"Well, it doesn't have to be inexplicable. I thought, maybe because of the rain..."

"The rain? Illogical. Rain is just water."

"I know, I know. But maybe that's exactly it. They know it's illogical, but they still enjoy it. So now they're trying to hide their reactions."

"'They' being the whole population of the planet, including me, acting out of character because of water drops falling from the sky?"

"I know, that sounds a little..."

"My wife, may I suggest another possibility? For a species from a much more humid world, like Humans, rain is a central element of daily life. As such --"

"Now, what's that supposed to mean? That I'm projecting my own reaction to them? That's just... I know that I react differently to a lot of things than Vulcans do..." She took a deep breath. "So you're saying I've imagined all of it?"

"I did not say that. But what you told me does not seem to justify your suspicions."

"But if there were some Vulcan secret you'd trust me with it?"

"I trust you with my life."

"Yes, but this is a different type of trust. If there were something to tell... I mean –“

"If there were something to tell, it would either be common knowledge, or it would only concern a certain group of people. Again, in the first case, it could be something so obvious to Vulcans that it does not require further clarification, or a knowledge kept by Vulcans that is not to be shared with other species. In the second case, I might or might not be part of the group. Independent from the situation, the possibility would exist that the knowledge would not be mine to share."

"So what is it? Are you going to tell me?"

"There is nothing to tell, Amanda."

Amanda didn't say anything more. Instead, she tried to analyse what Sarek had told her. Keeping in mind what Sonak had said to T'Ris about how Amanda couldn't be trusted with their secret, she had tried to question Sarek, to find out if he would tell her. She had offered an alternative solution - rain, to see if he would try to explain it away with it. But he had refused even that explanation, insisting that all was as it should be. He had tried to make her feel foolish, and if it weren't for the overheard conversation, she would have believed him.

She thought of Sarek's reactions. He had not been the least surprised about her questions. He knew exactly what was going on, Amanda was sure of that, and he did not want to tell her. She was equally sure that, in that case, she was not going to find out anything from him. Mentioning what Sonak had said would be foolish. Sarek would probably manage to explain that away as well, leaving her full of doubts about her own perceptions. Well, at least one thing had been revealed during their talk: The rain had something to do with it. Otherwise Sarek would not have been so adamant about diverting her from that trail.

Amanda sat there, seething. She was trying very hard to suppress a giggle. The opposite reactions pulled at her for a moment, before they settled into a familiar frustration. This was so typical! After being married to him for years, he still kept secrets from her...

 

 

Chapter 6

 

In the evening quiet she relived her first experience with that very annoying habit of her husband.

When they had decided to get married, Sarek had started to tell her about Vulcan culture and traditions. There had been so much to learn, as expected from such an old civilization. The philosophy of non-emotionalism, so foreign to Amanda's own disposition, that coloured every aspect of Vulcan life, had been hard enough to deal with. But there had been some traditions that she had found even more difficult to adapt to. For example, she was expected to walk a few steps behind Sarek. He had been very understanding when she had told him how disturbing she found that. He had reassured her, explained to her, that it was an old tradition and only had symbolic meaning in the modern world. Most of all, he had assured her that, for him, the gesture was quite meaningless and she would only be required to do so on official occasions. She had accepted that, and for the most part it had stopped bothering her.

Then, just before the bonding ceremony, she had had a long talk with Sarek's mother, T'Lin. The minister had taken time off her busy schedule to properly get to know her. Amanda was led into a large room that was empty save for herself and T'Lin.

T'Lin had a way of filling the room. She was welcoming, her unpretentious, straightforward manner making one feel at ease. But there was a self-assuredness that clung to her like a cloak that never let you forget who she was. She had pleasant features and, except for the gray strands in her Vulcan-cut, dark hair, her age was undefinable. Despite her tall frame and commanding presence, there was something insubstantial about her, something reminiscent of fairies. Must be the ears, Amanda thought.

They talked for a long time, Sarek's mother asking questions and Amanda answering. It could have passed for a nice chat, if not for T'Lin's occasional comments. They threw Amanda off, and she was not sure why. They sounded supportive, but were tinged with subtle undertones.

At first glance the Vulcan woman seemed very open, not concealing anything, asking questions out of curiosity. But Amanda got the rather uncomfortable impression of being on the receiving end of some very impressive chess moves, figuratively speaking. Amanda had the feeling of being transparent, of T'Lin having her all figured out. Worse even, there seemed to be something slightly mocking in everything T'Lin said.

When it seemed that she had finally learned enough about Amanda, T'Lin started making careful remarks about incompatibilities between Humans and Vulcans. Amanda got the message that T'Lin did not see the point in making so many adjustments when it would be so much easier to get along with someone of one's own species. Amanda had prepared herself to stay calm in case of rejection, disapproval, even open hostility. But T'Lin's understanding tone, her seeming to have only Amanda's best in mind, caused the very Human woman to blow up. "We are both willing to adapt. He doesn't mind my emotions and I don't mind his not having any. The only thing I've got a problem with are your outdated traditions. For all you claim to be a perfect society, you sure like to constrain your women. You know, walking behind your husband, and all that. But Sarek doesn't mind, so why should you?"

T'Lin's eyes widened at that. She had sat forward while Amanda was talking. Now she slowly leaned back. Her lips twitched. She seemed to be considering something for a second. Then her eyes sharpened, focusing on Amanda. "He does not mind, does he?"

"He does not. He told me it has no meaning for him," Amanda said, losing her vehemence with each word. Something in T'Lin's expression made her unsure of herself. The feeling of being mocked was stronger than ever.

"I suppose that is true. Tradition aside, he can hardly be considered your bodyguard. Quite the opposite is the case, actually. Whenever he is working, his life is considered more valuable than yours. In dangerous situations, he will be saved first."

"My. What do you mean by bodyguard?"

"You are not aware of the origin of this tradition?"

"I. No, I don't think I am."

"It is a particularly ancient tradition. Many expert historians have named exact dates for its first introduction. Unfortunately, the dates were all different. All sides had very good arguments, and the question was debated with utmost precision. Finally it was universally agreed that they had no idea when it originated. At any rate, it must have been centuries before the Awakening. As I am sure you have been told, Vulcans were completely different back then."

"Emotional, yes."

"Yes. That was the cause of the general selfishness of the people. At least, that is what our scholars have been proclaiming since the Awakening.

"In ancient times the man's duty was to protect his family. With his life, if necessary. I suppose that was the case on Terra as well. But on your world, the men started the wars and fought them. Of course, since Vulcan used to be a matriarchal society, it was actually the women who started the wars and the fights. But when attacked, they still expected -"

"Wait, did you say 'a matriarchal society'?"

"Oh, did Sarek forget to mention that?" The question was asked with complete innocence, before the corners of T'Lin's eyes creased at Amanda's expression. It was the closest she would ever come to a smirk. Then she sighed. "He has always been like that. While he was a child it was a minor inconvenience. Not exactly what one would wish for. It is difficult as it is, to find a suitable bondmate. But for children there are always enough options. And after all that work, he had to go and lose his bondmate. Finding someone for him now..."

Amanda was not concentrating on what T'Lin was saying. She was still hung up on the previous point. "Are you saying that Vulcan is a matriarchy?!"

"No, of course not. The laws started to change with the beginning of the Vulcan Industrial Age, just like on Terra. Most societies stop discriminating against their members once they reach a certain level of civilization." T'Lin gave a tiny shrug. Then she opened her hands, flitted them through the air, her long, thin fingers and the wide ends of her robe creating the impression of fairy wings. "However long that takes, in some cases. On Vulcan that happened almost two hundred years before Surak's time. Otherwise, his reforms would have been much more difficult to accept."

"But you've still kept the traditions."

"Yes. There are a lot of those left over from the past. And that is not only true for Vulcans. You Terrans have such traditions, as well, do you not? For example, men opening doors for women and standing up when a woman leaves the table. I found those quite fascinating when I first learned about them."

"But those are entirely different."

"Indeed? How so?"

"For one thing, they are not as meaningful. On Terra, men let women pass first through a door. On Vulcan, women let men take over the whole conversation."

"They are not meaningless. In fact, they are quite telling. When a man lets a woman pass first through a door, he assumes that he is holding himself back. Since men are on average stronger, he could, if necessary, always assert himself. It is a first sign of civilization that social behaviour is no longer governed by force."

"Vulcan men are stronger than Vulcan women too."

"True. However, Vulcan women have other advantages. Telepathy is governed by the right half of the brain, which is stronger in women."

"Really? I've heard of a lot of exceptionally strong male telepaths."

"Yes, there are those few, but they are usually very unstable. As for Vulcan men taking over the conversation, I suppose you are referring to..."

"For starters, how about, 'My wife, attend me'?"

"Sarek says that quite frequently?" T'Lin sounded very compassionate when she asked that.

"Yes. No... I suppose he says it from time to time."

"You find it a little distressing, but you go along with it. You do not mind too much?" T'Lin looked at her expectantly, clearly waiting for a positive answer.

"Yes, well. He told me --" She faltered. "How can you claim that Vulcan was a matriarchy with a tradition like that?!"

T'Lin hesitated a little. "That tradition is actually worse than the previous one, quite unjustifiable in our modern society. But to explain it, you must first understand what happened on Vulcan since the Awakening. The war had left the planet devastated, and even the new philosophy and the peace it brought could not change that. It took us centuries to rebuild our world, and in that time many things were lost. Most importantly, Vulcans developed an aversion against telepathy.

"Not long after that, we began to have contact with other species, most of them either patriarchal or evolved from a patriarchal society. We were not as we are now. We barely had any resources. It was at that time that the Vulcan High Command was founded. With the loss of telepathy, the main reason for the female dominance in Vulcan society was gone. Most of our allied species, as well as our enemies, were led by males. The VHC was built after their example.

"You will know how that ended. T'Pau found the Kir'Shara with the help of Captain Archer and the VHC ceased to exist in the form it had existed before. After those events history became a very popular subject. And now history once again included the supposed barbaric ages before the Awakening.

"In the past years, some of our ancient traditions have become popular again, but Sarek was right when he said that they do not mean anything to him. They are just a reminder of our past, and should not mean anything beyond that. For all but a few individuals, that is the case."

If not before, at least now it appeared that T'Lin was stalling for time, as if unwilling to give the explanation. Amanda was getting impatient, and curious. "So what is it?"

"It is somewhat similar to those Terran traditions we mentioned before. It involves a reversal of actual power. It was considered rude behaviour for a woman to give orders to her bondmate in public. In a good relationship, the man should be able to act according to his wife's wishes without further instructions. Men were expected to be aggressive, as their most important function was to guard their family. In public, they would become protective as soon as their bondmate was in any way threatened. However, that was mostly symbolic. They would not take over unless there was physical danger, and even then only if so instructed.  
"The word 'attend' is used to mean 'to wait for, to expect'. It was used as a warning whenever the husband perceived some danger. The wife would then take the customary position behind her mate."

 

For the moment ignoring all the other uses Sarek had found for that phrase, Amanda instead concentrated on what T'Lin was telling her. She was a little perplexed. From T'Lin's introduction she had expected something worse. Not that it was not important, but it really did not compare to some of the juicier traditions that had existed on Earth. And if, as T'Lin said, it was reduced to a mere gesture.

"All that is in the past, objectively speaking," T'Lin went on, as if having guessed what Amanda was thinking. "But for some men even the gesture is unpleasant, because of the ideas it was connected to. Sarek is like that. It is rather difficult for him. As a diplomat, he always has to present the most traditional, respectable image. And of course, even in modern society some things have remained unchanged. Most Vulcan women still want to come first in their marriage. At the very least, they would object to their husband constantly trying to get his way. And Sarek... Well, when he was a boy, there were options. Someone introverted, intellectual, socially inept... She was not well suited to his personality, that is true, but she rarely ever minded that he wanted everything done his way. But there are so few unbonded grown-up Vulcans. I doubt we could find him a suitable Vulcan bondmate now.

"You, on the other hand, are Terran. And Terra used to have a patriarchal society."

Amanda really wasn't liking where this was going. "Yes, but -"

"I understand why you found some of our traditions unpleasant. But that should no longer be the case now. And there is, of course, no need to change your behaviour. You were willing to go along with Sarek's... suggestions under much worse conditions, were you not? And he is a diplomat. It is very important that he represents an impeccable image. You understand that, of course."

T'Lin had talked on for quite some time after that. What it came down to was that they would all be happy if Amanda smiled pretty and did as she was told. Minus the smiling bit, that is. It was difficult to explain why Amanda put up with T'Lin, why she barely protested to what she was told. There was something maddening about the Vulcan woman. Despite her bossy attitude and disagreeable suggestions Amanda found she could not dislike her. T'Lin only needed to open her hands in her airy manner and look at her innocently and Amanda instantly forgot what had upset her.

Before her talk with T'Lin, she had felt elevated, protesting against injustice done against her. She had never expected to get T'Lin's approval, but she had been sure that what she was doing was right, that she was putting herself in a difficult position, which showed her dedication to her decision. Well, she got that, together with T'Lin's approval. Only the sense of moral superiority was somehow missing.

She confronted Sarek that evening, trying to get him to admit that he had witheld information from her on purpose. The conversation that had followed still remained a mystery to her. Even thinking about it, trying to remember his arguments, gave her a headache.

 

She had not been particularly upset. Mostly she had found it amusing that Sarek could bend all facts in such a way that suited him best. All she had wanted was for him to admit that he liked her tagging after him and running to him whenever he called for her, especially without the actual context of the tradition.

 

Unfortunately, that is not how it had happened. Instead of him being caught and apologetic, it had ended with her apologising to him! Somehow it had all turned out to be a misunderstanding, caused by Amanda applying her Human values to alien situations. Or something like that.

 

 

Chapter 7

 

Coming back from her memories, she looked down on the pages of her book, still opened in front of her. Then she started to read. The pages blurred in front of her eyes, the words following each other like beads on a necklace, each resembling the previous one. They flew on, sentence after sentence, not touching her. She read on, frenzied, not understanding a word of it, and oh! there it was. Like wires spanning an empty space, like lightning cutting thin lines through darkness, Sarek's thoughts slipped through the bond. Be welcomed, her mind resounded. She continued to read, tried to concentrate on her book, to not let him notice that she was aware of him. All too soon it was over, leaving her feeling empty.

Out of the corner of her eye she could see him sitting there, his posture relaxed. She knew what he had been looking for in her mind and what he had found. He had wanted to know how she had taken the fact that he had not told her what was going on. Of course he had found her agreeable. She could never bring herself to really be mad at him, she thought ruefully. It was not surprising, therefore, that he did not deem it necessary to change his habits.

She felt a pang at that, a little forewarning of the thoughts that would follow to assail her. As if you have any right to be angry at him, an inner voice reminded her. Seeking a connection when you know it's futile. There is no such thing, only a dark void between any two people. No matter how much we try to reach the other, by getting married even, it's no good. Even with all this closeness, with the telepathy, Sarek still thinks he's the secretive one, when it's actually you keeping him in the dark. She tried to fight the bitterness trying to rise inside her, but her inner voice would not be quieted. Here we are, an ordinary couple, on an ordinary evening, sitting together and, for appearance's sake, enjoying each other's company without any need to talk.

These depressing thoughts drained all her energy and the exhaustion she had felt before came back. She only wished to go to sleep, unable to fight the tiredness that had suddenly overcome her. There was something in that thought that she tried to fight, something that tasted like defeat.

She looked up and started to openly observe her husband. He was slightly bent over, intently focused on his PADD. She doubted that he had noticed her stare. Before, she knew he noticed things. He could be very observant when he chose to be. And she used to worry about each and every one of his reactions, living in constant fear of disappointing him, of hurting him. But when she stopped sharing herself he seemed to accept the facade she created.

Looking at him, she wished to know what he was thinking, if he did sometimes suspect her deceptions and wondered where the girl was he married. But she's gone, Amanda thought defiantly. I've taken her place now.

Who can ever know what goes on inside a marriage. No outsider can ever understand the invisible ties that keep a couple together. If she were to tell someone all her troubles, and if Sarek were to do the same, then she was sure they would be advised to divorce. And no matter how much she tried to explain why they stayed together, she would not be able to make an outsider understand.

And what was it, after all, that kept them together? A man who, by his own admission, was incapable of feeling, and a woman who...

It was inexplicable to any outsider, no amount of logic could make them understand, and yet it was so simple. For I know his best-kept secret, thought Amanda, and felt the warmth of that thought fill every part of her. Yes, it was simple, and, despite all their differences, worth fighting for, worth more sacrifices than she would have believed herself capable of before she met him. And if, in the end, their incompatibilities should prove to be too much and they should separate, she would never regret it. She would never think that marrying him had been a mistake. She would always think of him as the best thing to ever happen to her.

Sarek looked up at her, finally noticing that he was being scrutinized. "Is something the matter?"

Amanda smiled at him and shook her head.

He had only turned his head, otherwise keeping his posture, his PADD still in his hand. He would not allow more distraction than strictly necessary. His work was of utter importance to him, the only thing that could absorb him to complete abandon, Amanda thought with fondness. She expected he would retire to his office once she went to sleep and continue to work until late into the night.

He was always like that, content to do his daily tasks. He never complained, never seemed to regret any compromises he had to make. It was so easy to forget that Amanda was not the most compatible mate for him either. But in all the time they had been married he had never held her emotions against her. While many things human were strange to him, he had always taken the effort to understand them, never just labelling them as too alien. And except for his non-emotionalism, he had never seemed too alien to her. He had never even bought--

"Sarek, do you want to buy a likk'el?"

He turned towards her rather abruptly, and for the first time that day genuine surprise registered on his face. Actually, he looked rather alarmed. "I--" He visibly swallowed. "I do not understand the purpose of your question."

Amanda felt warm and giving. She wished to offer him the likk'el with her whole being. Suddenly it didn't matter that he had secrets from her. All that mattered was her wish to please him, to make up to him for her own faults. She stood up and walked over to sit down beside Sarek. She laid her hands on his knee and, looking into his eyes, she started to talk in a low, careful voice that she tried to fill with as much understanding and affection as she could. "I know Vulcans act strangely when it comes to likk'el. Well, it is a strange fruit. Humans don't like it. I don't like it. And Vulcans only buy them in secret. They even hide them from each other. Still, they do seem rather popular. I got reminded of the likk'el today, and I realized since I've known you I've never seen you buy one. Don't you miss it?"

"Yes-- No! It is really not necessary." For an instant he had looked tempted, but then he pulled back. The next moment his control seemed absolute.

"Well, no. I suppose it isn't. But I just wanted you to know that I won't mind. Whatever the reason you Vulcans have for acting so strangely about the likk'el, it's all right. You don't have to tell me.You can just buy them and enjoy them on your own."

Sarek was avoiding her gaze while she talked. His mouth opened a couple of times, as if to interrupt her, but he seemed to be at a loss for words. Even after she stopped talking, he needed a moment to sort his thoughts. He looked at her. There was a strange expression on his face, something familiar and disturbing at the same time, that Amanda could not quite put a name on. Almost instantly it was replaced by the typical Vulcan blank face. "I assure you I am not going to 'enjoy them on my own', as you put it."

"Why? You don't like their taste?"

"I have never tasted a likk'el."

"Sarek--" Amanda swallowed the angry accusation that had been on the tip of her tongue and forced herself to relax her eyebrows that had come together in a rather severe scowl. Reminding herself forcefully of her good intentions, she tried again. "All right. Have it your way. You don't want to tell me anything. You don't wish to admit to anything. I understand. You can use those fruits any way you want, how about that?"

Sarek did not reply.

Amanda probably should have let it go at that, seeing how Sarek was not going to budge, but she had had her fill of secrets that day. Besides, her curiosity was getting to her. So she pushed. "Or is it that you really don't eat them? What else could you possibly do with them.? Well, whatever it is, you--"

"My wife, that is of no concern. As I told you before, I have no use for them. Therefore, I would appreciate if--"

"But that's just--" Amanda fought down her frustration. She leaned against him, putting her head on his shoulder. "Sarek, I don't understand why this topic bothers you so much. I'm not asking you to tell me whatever precious secret--"

"Amanda--"

"What? So you're telling me that there's absolutely nothing you'd want a likk'el for?" She looked up at him. "I mean, if there is something that you want, it would be--"

Sarek interrupted her by suddenly standing up. "I believe we have discussed this topic for long enough. I fail to see your reasons for interrogating me this evening. Perhaps you should question your motives first. As for me, I do not wish to discuss this topic again. I have said all there is to be said." With that he left, not looking back at her.

Amanda stood up, stepped in his direction, her arm extended towards him. But her body felt very heavy suddenly, bringing her to a halt. She blinked back her tears. Her arm dropped to her side. She looked down.

In the ensuing quiet she could no longer recall what had led to her emotional rollercoaster. Whatever had made her believe that she could change the facts she had long since come to accept seemed very far away now, expelled by the austere Vulcan surroundings of her home. Sarek's ability to change, just like her own, was limited. Not enough in many respects. This was an immutable fact, like certain biological realities. No point in wishing Sarek kept some truths from her that would, when revealed, twist everything around. It had long since proved to be the truth that erased all hopes at once.

Quietly, Amanda made her way to her bedroom, with its air-conditioned environment and narrow bed. The cold chilled her to the bone.

 

 

Chapter 8

 

How extraordinary that each morning should bring a new beginning, that one day should follow another.

This day seemed just as pretty, just as inviting as the day before. Her mood, even, did not seem to reflect the emotions experienced only a few hours before. Instead, they had blurred to the familiar tension that she always felt at the prospect of facing a new day.

Only the heat had increased. Slowly, just barely noticeably, each day was getting hotter than the previous one. The city was regaining its accustomed state, mercilessly erasing every trace of the rain. The plants would last a little longer, but sooner than she would like, they would also fade.

Why waste time asking about whatever had come over the Vulcans this time? Better to enjoy the milder temperatures while they lasted. Thus resolved, she ignored the rushing, the rather uncomfortable press of people, and the expressions on their faces, replacing the familiar blankness. And she kept on ignoring the likk'el stand that overnight seemed to have moved to one of the busiest main streets.

Oh, and there was another one. No matter. She walked on. Even if there were more of those stands than she had ever noticed before, that was not as interesting as, for example, the architecture of this particularly old street, or those two tourists trying to get their translator to read the highly stylized inscriptions on a wall, or that Vulcan woman slowing down right beside the stand, almost as if. Amanda interrupted that train of thought, resolutely looking away and focusing on the street.

But surely there was a limit to any resolve made. When she saw the Academy, she thought herself saved from those weird fruits that seemed to have taken over the city. Just down this street and then turn to the left--

There, right at the corner, she saw him. A young man of thoroughly respectable demeanor, picking out a likk'el as if it were a perfectly normal thing to do. He was standing there, unfazed, neither hiding nor hurrying, choosing the best fruit in front of all the people. And everyone just ignored him. Unbelievable!

It might be likk'el season. That would explain everything. The jelly insides of the fruit were mostly water, so it made sense that after the rain there would be a lot of them around. Maybe that was all there was to all this mystery, Amanda thought hopefully. And whatever reason the Vulcans had to be so excited about them was their business.

It was difficult to imagine the Academy being a welcoming place. The thick stone walls and dark corridors, not to mention the various depictions of Vulcan mythological beings that Amanda's mind refused to give any other label than monsters, were more conductive to a feeling of claustrophobia, rather than of homeliness. But the familiarity of the every-day activities of her colleagues was instantly reassuring. The walls of the old building shut out all the outside madness together with the heat and glaring sunshine.

She ran into T'Ris, who was on her way to her classes. The Vulcan girl greeted her warmly, her calm restored. Other people passed her in the corridors, going about their business. Ah, and there were two senior lecturers, discussing something or other in the corner. They stopped talking as Amanda passed by and greeted her. At least here, everything seemed in order.

Her restored mood lasted the whole morning while she was working in her office. During lunch time she went to the large dining room that was usually well visited. It served as an informal meeting place for staff members. On good days it went so far that people even asked unnecessary private questions about each other's health and circumstances. Today, as well, she could hear voices long before she reached the room. In the otherwise quiet building, the friendly chatter lured her to this place like a moth to the flame.

The conversations stopped as soon as she entered the room. There were a few awkward glances directed at her before the talking resumed. But now it sounded a lot more somber. A little forced, thought Amanda. She tried not to notice. The same thing happened when she met people talking in the corridors, and later, when she sought out a scientist that she was working with on a paper. There was another one of her colleagues visiting in the office. When they noticed Amanda, both scientists started. The visitor left immediately, looking rather apologetic. Amanda found it very difficult to concentrate on the research afterwards, when all she wanted to discuss with her colleague was what they had been talking about before she had interrupted.  
She began to think she was getting paranoid. She could not get rid of the feeling that instead of just discussing whatever it was Sarek wasn't telling her, they were talking about her.

Amanda saw T'Ris across the hall and went over to her. They exchanged greetings.

"What did you think of the talks yesterday?" Amanda asked. It was so nice hearing T'Ris' calm, thoughtful replies. Talking about these every-day topics, exchanging ideas, discussing different opinions. That was all the excitement Amanda wished for. All she wanted was for everything to return to normal. And to satisfy her curiosity.

"T'Ris, I wanted to ask you something," Amanda began without too many preliminaries. Yesterday, when Sonak had had that nebulous conversation with her to find out if Amanda knew what was going on, T'Ris had been trying in vain to stop that conversation. Later, Amanda was convinced, T'Ris would have told her everything if not for Sonak's interference. "Those last few days after the rain people have been acting rather weird. And then, yesterday, Sonak asked some strange questions--"

T'Ris started to look agitated as soon as Amanda began to talk. She interrupted her, saying, "I think it would be preferable if you discussed it with your family."

"Why? What's going on? What--"

"If you will excuse me, I am late for my classes." T'Ris started to turn around.

Amanda felt tears of frustration welling up. She'd had it with all Vulcans who didn't care that they were her husband or friend or colleague. When it came to their secrets, all that mattered was that they were Vulcan and Amanda was not. "What is it with you people?! What could possibly be so important that you'd all be so rude and refuse to answer direct questions? Do you enjoy seeing me make a fool of myself? What have I done to be so excluded? I've shown myself more than capable of keeping Vulcan secrets!"

Amanda knew she had gone too far. She was obviously emotional, not to mention her mentioning the unmentionable. But for all their insistence on considering emotions to be rude, Vulcans could be swayed by things other than logic. Amanda's emotional appeal worked this time.

T'Ris looked uncertain. Glancing around to make sure they were alone, she said in a hushed voice, "You might find some information in older works. Ask the librarian." With that she turned and left.

Amanda could not believe her ears. Librarian?! The Academy library was fully automated. There were no librarians.

It was not quite clear what she had in mind when she made her way towards Sonak's office. She was almost at his door before she consciously became aware of what she was doing. Almost instantly, her mind also registered the opened door and the quiet voices from within. At this point she could not recall whether she had been planning to accuse him of something, or just wanted to question him. But being there, it seemed quite natural to take off her shoes and set one foot before the other on the hard ground, noiselessly, before she was right at the entrance. For an instant she wished for those old-fashioned doors that opened to the side and that one could hide so conveniently behind. Then she was pressed against the wall, hoping with a thundering heartbeat that no one would pass her by and that Sonak and his visitor would not leave the room any time soon.

She could hear quite well what they were saying. As for understanding it, she was not entirely sure. They seemed to be discussing some kind of ancient ceremony or celebration. When they started going into detailed comparisons with other ceremonies, Amanda began to consider leaving. Watching for an unplanned audience from all directions was starting to wear her down. Then she heard her name being mentioned.

"I have heard she does not know."

"That is true. I assume there are valid reasons why she has not been told. At any rate, we should not interfere," Sonak was saying.

"Humans are known for... They often believe their way to be preferable over everyone else's. She might not have much interest in ancient Vulcan traditions."

"I disagree. You have not come into contact with her on a regular basis, but I have interacted with her more often. She is emotional. Her basic instincts can change her decisions. She is too unstable, too... weak to act in such a manner. It is far more likely that her mate simply chose not to tell her."

"And she accepted that? Surely she must have noticed something."

"She probably did. Her recent works show that she has some observational skills. But to make the correct deductions requires strict adherence to logic. Not one of her strong points."

"Even if you are right, once she realizes that something is happening, she will demand answers from her bondmate. I fail to see what he hoped to accomplish by not telling her. He must have known he was only delaying the inevitable."

Even over the distance, Sonak sounded smug. "I doubt that. She seems rather meek. Not a match for a Vulcan. I think that was the reason a Vulcan bonded with her in the first place. Not my preference, personally, but it seems the only reason a Vulcan might have--"

Amanda gasped indignantly at that. As soon as she did, she realized her mistake, but it was too late. The voices inside the office remained silent. She made her way across the wall, trying not to make a sound.

"What was that? Did you hear that?"

Footsteps followed. Then Sonak was saying, "You did not close the door."

 

 

Chapter 9

 

Amanda turned around and ran, not looking back. Even without the shoes, her footsteps were loud enough to be heard. Fortunately, so were the two men's. Running around a corner, she saw the door to one of the seminar rooms was open. There was a door on the other side. She ran towards it, throwing chairs in her way. The door opened just before the Vulcans reached the room.

She realized she had lost too much time with the chairs, while running down another corridor. The footsteps were coming closer.

This part of the building was unknown to her. There were some doors but they were closed. They might very well lead to a dead end. She ran straight on. The corridor took a slight bend and ended abruptly. There was a door in front of her, one of those old-fashioned ones she had wished for a moment ago. She recognized it. That door led to the old staircases. She could not turn back; those two men would come around the corner any moment. She pulled down the handle and tackled the heavy door made for Vulcan strength.

Once she had slid through the opening she made her way up the stairs quite loudly. Then she came down again as quietly as possible and pushed herself behind the door. She was already out of breath. There was no way she could outrun the Vulcans on stairs. The men reached the door and opened it. Amanda's heart sat in her throat, beating loud enough that she was sure it would be heard. Her lungs were demanding air, but she refused to make a sound.

It worked! Sonak stepped through the door and, without stopping for even a moment, ran up the stairs, his colleague in tow.

After a moment Amanda took the stairs leading down. She put her shoes back on, opened the door one level down, and stepped through.

And found herself in the library.

Unexpectedly faced with the maze of shelves, she felt disoriented. She went over to the first shelf and picked up a disc, then went over to the viewer. Ah, yes. The dead alien languages zone of the linguistics section. She had never bothered to come here. The study of languages of extinct alien races was not something Amanda dealt with in her work. In fact, most people working in that field were part historians.

Historians made Amanda think of history. There may be no librarians, but looking for clues in the library might be a good idea, after all, she thought. No deduction skills, huh? She would show him. That overbearing, self-righteous Vulcan. It was all Sonak's fault. He had found out she did not know and now he was slowly spreading the news. Her instincts had proven right. She was not paranoid. They were all talking about her, coming up with wild speculations. Amanda pushed the disc she had taken into the return slot. It would then be automatically returned to its position on the shelf. Then she made her way to the history zone.

The library made up a big part of the Academy. There were several million discs, plus the scrolls, books, and other old-fashioned writings. The Academy had grown over the centuries. New buildings had been added continuously. The library had grown as well, and was no longer contained within one building. There were several huge sections of the library that contained works of a similar subject. The history zone was in the same section as the linguistics zone. Amanda would not have to leave the library to get there. She just needed to find her way through the maze.

Within the history zone there was an extra room for Ancient Vulcan Sources. This was probably the only part of the library that had more books than discs. It was not open to the public. Only the staff and students of the Academy were allowed to enter, and only those who were trusted to know how to handle the delicate materials. It only had one door that required voice identification and the windows, that were all lined up across one wall, had a strong shading to protect the older materials from too much daylight.

Working with books was troublesome. There were no search programmes that could access the information written inside, and after use they had to be returned to their place manually. No wonder this room is so deserted, Amanda thought. No one would bother to come here unless they absolutely needed to look at the source material.

Amanda looked around the dark room, uncertain how to begin. Which of all these books might contain some hint about what was going on? There were so many. Just looking at the shelves lined up one after the other, even across the walls, was enough to intimidate her. Not to mention the tiny statues in unexpected corners that seemed to suddenly appear out of the darkness. It was just the combination of the neutral colours and the darkened windows, she told herself. But the word 'spooky' would not leave her. Feeling suffocated, she went over to one of the windows and opened it.

Old literature, educational books of various periods, letters, official documents, debate transcripts, and so much more. Most of these things belonged in archives, not a library. She should have tried modern history books, Amanda thought. But T'Ris had said hints could be found in the older works...

She suddenly realized that it had turned dark again. The wind must have closed the window, she thought, and went over to open it again.

The window was locked. By someone's hand. It was most certainly not the wind.

Amanda turned around. Someone else was in here. They probably did not like her opening the window, but thought it more polite not to tell her so. Stupid Vulcan propriety. Not to mention Vulcan quietness. She had been so sure she was alone. Giving her such a scare. She walked down a row of shelves, then another, her speed increasing without conscious thought, until she was almost running.

The room was not very big. It did not take her long to ascertain that it was empty.

She slowly backed away until her back was against the door. Her hand shot out, reaching frantically for the handle, then almost shouting her name when the voice demanded identification. The next moment she was running as fast as her legs would carry her out of the library.

Amanda was a scientist, living and working on the most rational planet in the Federation. And everyone she knew on Earth thought she was leading the most abysmally boring life imaginable. She had been sure she would never be able to change their minds -- except, of course, that she had just encountered the supernatural.

Go, Amanda, she told herself. Stop thinking. Just go.

She stumbled forward, not seeing any of the surprised faces along the way. She only had one thought. Leave the library. Go back to the linguistics department. To familiar territory.

She staggered forward until her hands found another shelf to hold on to. She leaned her body into it, just long enough to take another breath. Then she was running again.  
But the books did not seem to take an end. How many zones had she passed through? Where exactly was she now?  
Finally, she reached the linguistics zone, and very suddenly she was sitting on her behind, having run into someone.

Looking up, she saw the head of the linguistics department looking down on her.

 

 

Chapter 10

 

"Amanda, it is you. Is something the matter?" Skon sounded surprised. Otherwise he looked completely unaffected.

The young woman scrambled to her feet and tried to regain as much dignity as she could before mumbling, "No, everything's fine." She resisted the urge to dust her clothes and tried to stand straight and appear collected, but could not bring herself to face Skon. She really was failing in creating the right impression, for, surely, nothing compared to having tackled and being sprawled out on the floor in front of her boss, who also happened to be her father-in-law.

"Are you late again?"

That, at last, made Amanda face Skon, if rather abruptly. The innocent question almost made her cringe. How could Skon say again? She had only been late once as long as he knew her. Plus a few other times that did not count because she had gotten lost. Anyway, that had all been years ago. "No, I'm not late. I was just..."

"Ah. You were in a hurry."

"But that's the same thing--"

"It is not. When one is in a hurry, on either hurries to some place or hurries away from some place. In the first case one is late. Since you are not, I am assuming yours is the second case."

Ah, yes. The understanding of logic shown in precise speech and the understanding of language shown in logical arguments. The main reason Skon took pride in his profession was its connection to logic, and he never let you forget that.

Amanda tried to imagine what Skon might say were she to tell him that she had run away from supernatural encounters in the history section. She had to think fast to come up with some reasonable explanation without being caught lying. There would be nothing worse than Skon thinking her a liar, but she had had too many embarrassments that day to face another one. She desperately wished for something to get Skon's attention away from that topic.

"...and of course the inscription on - Ah!" Sonak saw her as soon as he entered the library. Faster than Amanda's brain could register the voice and connect it to its owner, he walked over to where she was standing, excusing himself from his colleague hastily. Be careful what you wish for. The saying had never sounded so true to Amanda.

Sonak nodded towards Skon, who responded in kind. Then he turned to her. "I wanted to talk to you about your newest research topic. I tried to, when I saw you earlier, but you seemed ... otherwise occupied."

Seen her, had he? Amanda was not so sure of that. She had gotten away pretty quick. "Oh, really? I can't remember seeing you. But you're right, I've been awfully busy lately. My current paper has me constantly occupied. Is it something urgent?" She tried to look vague and only mildly interested, wondering where he was going with this line of questioning. If he had seen her, he would hardly want to discuss the issue. Why, that would be a human reaction. She was sure he neither wanted to reveal what was going on, nor apologize for his comments about her. Neither could he pretend to be the wronged party because she had spied on him. Not if he knew that she had heard what he thought of her.

Sonak looked slightly uncomfortable, and when he spoke, he sounded a little uncertain. "I thought... I believe I saw you going down the corridor, but I failed to catch you." He carefully observed her reaction to his barbed answer.

Vulcans. They tried so hard to extinguish all their emotions that, in the end, they were unable to properly deal with any that they were faced with. Not to mention their inability to lie. And it really was an inability. They were so used to telling the truth that even a child (a human one, that is) could tell when they were lying.

Amanda, on the other hand, did not see any benefit in suppressing one's emotions. She had, however, been forced to deal with being considered rude for emotional displays. As a way of compensating, she had developed quite a poker face. This time, as so many times before, her face did not slip. She retained the blank face of general politeness, much to Sonak's chagrin.

Amanda was convinced now that Sonak had not seen her. He had heard someone listening at his door, and followed the sound of footsteps. As he had been talking about her, and she was human, and therefore fallible, she was his prime suspect, but he wanted proof. She smiled at him prettily, something she was sure he must find annoying. "Oh, I see. I suppose it could have been me. But I've been so busy today, I've hardly had time to walk around."

Sonak's eyes widened in sudden realization. "You have been working in the library for a while now?" Ah, so he had finally figured out where she had disappeared.

Before she could answer, Skon answered for her, "Actually, she just ran into me."

Despite the helpful comment, Amanda could not suppress a silent groan on his emphasis on 'ran'. "Yes, I was just about to start reading--"

"Then maybe I could talk to you now, before you start working. It will not take long. I only wish to ask a couple of questions."

Skon saved her again. "Actually, I was just about to discuss an urgent matter with her."

There certainly were benefits to having the boss on one's side. Sonak had nothing left to do but nod and agree. Then he was gone.

 

 

Chapter 11

 

Taking one look at Skon was enough to assure Amanda that getting him off her case would not be that easy.

Skon took a deep breath - his version of a sigh - and turned his full attention to her. "Obviously, there is something the matter with you --" He raised his hands to forestall her instinctual protest, then went on. "But first, what I wanted to tell you about --"

Amanda could not help her look of surprise and had to sink her eyes in shame at his eyebrow rising in indignation. Of course he had something to tell her. To assume that he would have lied to Sonak...

Skon took another breath. This time it was almost a human sigh. "It concerns the commemoration this evening. T'Lin informed me a short while ago that the council meeting is going to end sooner than anticipated and the commemoration will have to start directly after that. There is no time for you to go home. We will go from here directly and meet T'Lin and Sarek there."

"When do we leave?"

"After my last lecture. That will give us adequate time to prepare before the main guests arrive."

"All right, then. I'll meet you --"

"And now maybe you could tell me what Sonak was talking about?"

Amanda bit her lip. It still surprised her how easily Skon could turn her into a stuttering school girl. The way he questioned her always had the feel of an exam. She felt compelled to give the right answers, for surely she would be found out if she tried to lie.

"Is he causing you trouble?" Skon's tone barely changed from his usual unemotional one, and yet Amanda could clearly hear the difference. There was genuine concern in it, and that protectiveness had numerous times before led her to confide her problems to him.

He did not take her side when the staff of the academy, only used to aliens in the form of students, treated her as an outsider. He was the head of the department, and in true Vulcan fashion, his relationship to her was irrelevant. But whenever she told him of her problems at work, he found a way for her to solve them. This time she was sure he would help her, as well. A part of her wanted that, wanted others to take care of her problems.

Being alien, she had soon found that it always seemed better to ask for advice on how to behave correctly, and instead of discouraging such dependence, Sarek and his family had fully supported it. Being so much younger than her bondmate, not to mention his parents, this did not seem like such a bad thing at the beginning. Now, both Skon and T'Lin were treating her like a child, and Sarek was keeping things from her.

Amanda took a deep breath. "Yes, there is something, but I think I better take care of it myself."

"Are you certain it is nothing serious?"

"Yes. Yes, I can deal with it." Amanda was surprised how good it felt to say that. Mostly because she felt she could do it.

Skon looked at her thoughtfully, then tilted his head. "Yes, I suppose that is for the best. You should talk to me if the problem persists, though."

"Thank you, I will."

"Then I will see you in my office after the lecture."

Amanda agreed and Skon left.

A moment later it hit her that she had just lost the easiest opportunity to finally learn the big secret everyone was keeping from her. But she supposed it was for the best. Sonak, for all his enjoyment of telling his acquaintances of her ignorance, had avoided any reference to the goings-on of the last days while in Skon's presence. Maybe he just thought Skon would take her side, but there was another possibility. Judging from the last Vulcan secret she had encountered, this probably was not something discussed in polite society, and even Sonak respected that.

Also, asking Skon would mean that T'Lin would find out. Her mother-in-law already thought her spineless and immature. Adding to that the fact that Sarek kept secrets from her really would not help.

There was no helping it. She had said she would deal with it on her own, and that is what she would do. If she ever wanted to change how people were seeing her, she should start facing her insecurities.

She would start with her phantom in the library. She was on Vulcan. She had considered herself a rational person even before coming to live on Vulcan, and the influence of its logical, unemotional inhabitants over the years would only have added to that. She knew there had to be a rational explanation for what had happened. Besides, looking into those books was still the best lead she had in solving her main mystery.

The room looked just as she had left it, just as dark and abandoned. The automated door, indirect lighting, temperature control, did nothing to dispel the phantoms of the past.

There was no obvious hint as to what had happened, and Amanda did not feel like exhausting all possible explanations. Instead, she went to a shelf that held old history books and picked up something to read, if only to ignore the flutter in the pit of her stomach.

It was marvellous, the difference between modern Vulcans and their ancestors. History books written in her lifetime were collections of facts, designed to pass on information about the past. Whoever had written the book she was reading, however, had not bothered with too much objectivity. The text was judgemental, opinionated, and read like a scandalous book of fiction. In short, it was interesting; entertaining, even.

The old writing, the smell of the organic material the book was made of, the older form of the language that she still had problems understanding, together with the dark and quiet room that had probably existed since before the book had been written, drew her into their world.

She came across an account of a war she had previously read about. She almost laughed about the author's obvious siding with one of the factions. T'Lin had wanted her to read about Vulcan history after she demonstrated her complete lack of knowledge about the subject at their initial meeting. She had gone as far as recommending a dozen books, and Amanda, who had been trying very hard to fit in, had looked through them.

Of course there had been nothing there about what was happening around her now. Although... Amanda stopped mid-thought. She remembered one single mention of rain in all Vulcan history she had ever read. And that had been so peculiar that she still recalled it.

It was mentioned in the accounts of the Hair Dispute. Ah yes, that history-shaping question about who was allowed to have the longest hair.

It did not take her long to find books about the topic, and one that had a detailed description of the Tal-Shanar ceremony. Disappointment filled her when she came to the last part. "Empress T'Mir blamed it on the rain." No further details, just the one sentence. There was a hint of mocking disbelief, but other than that, not too different from modern history books.

T'Mir the Vain, the first empress to have longer hair than the reldai. Amanda had tried to be objective about it and not find it a little ridiculous. It was certainly an alien concept, something outside of her world view.

It all began with the reldai, of course. On Vulcan, recorded history itself began with the Age of the Reldai. These were priestesses that had an ability to extinguish the frequent and devastating fires that broke out in the desert with the power of their minds - they were the most powerful telepaths, now just as in ancient times. Times had changed, religious and philosophical views had come and gone, together with various sorts of priestesses and priests, but the reldai had remained.

Even in modern times, the first exercise for telekinetically-gifted individuals was to control a fire. Though, curiously, one started by increasing the flame of a lamp.

Back then, people used to believe the power came from the gods, and obediently accepted the reign of the reldai, who did not have to work, did not have to fight in battles, and could afford to wear extravagant clothes and grow their hair. Why it should have been the long hair of all things that became associated with high status would probably forever remain a mystery to Amanda, but soon other high-born women started to grow their hair as well.

The reldai invented different things to cement their power, for example ceremonies like the Tal-Shanar that was still observed in modern day. And they came up with the law that they should be the ones allowed to have the longest hair. All through the Age of the Reldai that law stayed unchallenged.

Then the Age of the Queens began, which brought a different way of thinking. The new age began when the queens gained more power and challenged the total reign of the reldai. From then on, when it came to worldly matters, the queens held the highest power.

They went to battle and had to travel constantly all over the territory they ruled to make their presence known and their power felt. They had to work, and relied on their physical endurance. To show this difference between themselves and the reldai, that had ultimately led to their gaining power, they cut off their hair. It was at that time that the official headdresses were invented and worn on official business so the queens could differentiate themselves from commoners.

Amanda could follow the story up to that point. It was more difficult to accept what had happened during the Age of the Empresses.

The wars had lessened and Vulcans had become, for the better part, civilized. The empresses no longer had to lead the hard life of the queens of past ages, and with their more and more extravagant lifestyle, their rule had become increasingly absolute, until the idea of bowing down to anyone became unacceptable.

Why it was necessarily the longer hair of the reldai that they had such a problem with, Amanda could not tell, but the empresses pushed that point until T'Pel of the Desert finally changed the law, so that the empresses would be allowed the longest hair.

There was another empress before her, though, who, if not changed, then at least broke the rule. T'Mir would forever be remembered for the scandalous Tal-Shanar ceremony, where she had shown up, her hair undone and quite clearly longer than that of the reldai presiding over the ceremony. Later, she had explained her faux-pas by blaming it on the rain that had stopped only a few days before the ceremony.

No other explanation was given. Not in all the works Amanda had seen it mentioned, historical or otherwise, was there an explanation as to why a few days of rain would justify completely ignoring standard rules of behaviour.

More interestingly, this was quite clearly the only mention of rain she had ever come across. This instance was unavoidable, as it concerned a major point in Vulcan history, but all other instances seemed to have been deliberately left out. It could not be unintentional. It was not possible that sudden rain did not affect harvest, or interrupt some battle plans, or give rise to expressions in art. Yet, no references to rain were to be found.

Amanda turned her attention back to the book she had been reading. There was a reference to a source book right after the rain was mentioned. With no great hope that it would lead her to anything, she looked it up on the computer. It was owned by the library. In fact, it was in the same location, just on a different shelf. She went to look for it. And looked, and looked...

The problem was not that the book was not there. It was the shelf that was missing. But that was impossible. The Ancient Vulcan Sources had only one room allocated, she was sure of that. Exasperated, she went back to the farthest corner of the room. She would look over every shelf in hopes that something might be mislabelled. As if that could ever happen on Vulcan. But she felt so frustrated. Everywhere she seemed to be faced by an impenetrable wall, unable to get hold of any helpful information.

Amanda heard the voice-controlled door lock activate, shortly followed by a voice that she most definitely had heard enough of these past two days. She pressed herself against the shelf, desperate to avoid another confrontation with Sonak.

"... ignores her role in the ceremony," he could be heard saying to his colleague from before, their discussion apparently having been continued after he left her.

"I do not deny that. However, the significance of Tal-Shanar, especially after the rain, far outweighs all other explanations. T'Mir clearly wished to show that the reldai were no longer essential. The scientific and technological achievements that had been made..."

"That is a biased view of our technology-obsessed ancestors that should have disappeared after the Awakening. If, indeed, T'Mir had shown the reldai to be insignificant, the Hair Dispute..."

The voices were coming closer. Amanda went around the shelf, out of their path, not wanting to be seen hiding from them.

"...in her lifetime. Not to mention the illogic of using rain as a symbol for the so-called scientific and..." They moved past her shelf without noticing her, right up to the wall behind the last shelf. She could see them quite clearly between the books.

Sonak went to a particularly grotesque statue and turned it to the side. The wall opened up and the two men walked through, still continuing their discussion. "...quite a different view on the subject during their lifetime, as I am going to show you..."

Amanda walked up to the wall that had so noiselessly slid away to reveal a rather dark staircase leading down. The even walls of the building stopped at the entrance. The tunnel looked like it had been cut out from solid rock. The voices of the two men could still be heard, albeit distorted, bouncing off the walls. A moment later, the wall slid back into place, and the statue was again facing forward.

Well, at least she had an explanation for her phantom now. Whoever had closed the window had probably come and left through this door.

 

 

Chapter 12

 

Amanda had to force herself to leave the library and go to Skon's office. She had to remind herself that she was not likely to discover anything useful as long as Sonak was in there anyway. Still, her mind refused to think of anything else, imagining what it might look like inside that hidden room, or what the books there might be like. They probably stored their oldest, most secret works there, like that source book she had been unable to find. She wondered if there really was a copy written during T'Mir's time.

She stayed distracted all the way to the commemoration. Skon had to repeat himself a few times because she had not been listening to what he was telling her. He gave her a strange look, but did not say anything.

Only as they got closer to their destination did another thought start to take centre stage in Amanda's mind. The excitement shifted its focus and for a while Amanda was not sure why the tension was refusing to leave her body when she was no longer thinking of the library.

Then with a jolt it came to her: she was about to see Sarek. They had barely exchanged a greeting that morning. The night before, he had refused to tell her what was going on, and since then she had fully resolved to solve the mystery on her own. She thought it only right to again be cold and distant to him in view of that. 

But then he was standing in front of her, making her instantly feel as if she was drunk, almost euphoric and weak to the point of losing all her resolve.

They were standing at the entrance of a rather big, if not very remarkable building. Amanda was not sure what it was built for originally, but nowadays its great halls were used for various different receptions, especially when receiving alien guests. It looked distinctly Vulcan, but had no historical or cultural importance, as far as Amanda knew.

Sarek greeted them, and then said: "I have brought your dress. You can change in one of the cloakrooms."

Skon excused himself, deciding to go directly to the hall where the commemoration would be held. There was an awkward pause when he left, then Sarek motioned her to follow him inside the building.

Alone in the quiet, away from the heat outside, there was nothing to distract her from his presence. Removed from the hustle and bustle of daily life, the silence filled with all the things they had to talk about but could not voice.

It was not long before Amanda felt compelled to say something. "How was Spock?"

Her voice sounded unnecessarily loud, out of place somehow, but Sarek barely slowed down. "No different from how he was this morning."

She had only wished to fill the silence with her comment, to distract herself from other thoughts. Well, at least she was distracted now. "Are you sure he didn't mind going back?"

"Of course. I fail to see why you are so preoccupied with this matter. It is perfectly normal for a child to spend a night at the nursery school."

Amanda huffed. "It's not normal for Spock. Nothing is ever normal for Spock. Those rascals just love to torment him, and his teachers either don't like him or don't care." She paused. She had wanted to find a babysitter for Spock. Sarek had plenty of relations. He even had some friends, even if he refused to call them that. But he would not ask any of them, insisting that it was illogical to inconvenience someone when there was no need for it.

And Amanda had been forced to confront once again how alone she was on Vulcan. The closest thing to a Vulcan friend she had was T'Ris, who would not do as a babysitter, of course. Most of her human acquaintances were visitors who came to Vulcan for a short while, and left before they got really close. The only other kind would be attending the commemoration as well. "He probably feels like we abandoned him."

"We did not abandon him."

"No, of course not. What an illogical notion. Why should anyone think that?"

Sarek considered her statement for a moment, trying to understand all the layers of her emotional language. "I took him out of school and we had dinner, as you wished, so he would not feel abandoned."

Amanda did not respond.

"There are only four other children staying there tonight, and Spock did not seem to have a negative reaction to any of them." His voice sounded softer, the barely suppressed impatience and frustration about her choice of topic having disappeared.

"All right."

They walked on for a little while, not saying anything more. They turned a corner.

This time, it was Sarek who ended the silence. "The cloakroom is down the corridor," he said. "It is the most remote of all cloakrooms assigned to our party. No one should disturb you there."

Amanda was glad to have something else to talk about. "What do you mean, ‘assigned to our party'? I thought the commemoration was the only thing happening here tonight."

"It is."

"So why didn't they just book the whole building?"

"Because it was unnecessary. The space allocated to our party is sufficient."

"Of course it is. It's not like people have come to Vulcan just so they could be here tonight."

"They will be here to show their respect for T'Pau and commemorate her leaving."

"But this is for T'Pau - the last living person who signed the Federation Charter."

"She did her job to the best of her ability."

"Which was better than a lot of other people. But you don't think it logical to acknowledge that?"

"It is being acknowledged. As that is supposed to be the reason for people coming here tonight, they will be given the opportunity to do so. However, this is not a - a party."

"And that is one lesson in Vulcan logic they'll all remember."

Sarek could not quite suppress his surprise. "It is nothing of the sort. The whole affair is unVulcan as it is. But even though the commemoration was unavoidable, one must not encourage this tendency of politics being disguised in social gatherings and so-called polite conversation."

"Because that is such a foreign concept to you… Vulcans." She only added the ‘Vulcans' as an afterthought.

Sarek really looked at her this time. She could see him thinking, trying to read the emotional context between her words. "Amanda, are you… upset?"

"Upset? Why would I be upset? You know, when I thought about marrying you, I thought this would be one of the best things about it." Sarek actually stopped for a moment at that, but Amanda went on. "Attending these elaborate parties, I mean. Oh, and I’ll finally get to wear my new dress!" She tried to sound cheerful, but was not sure if Sarek was buying it.

"Your dress, yes. Here we are. This is the room I was talking about." He gestured to a door in front of them. Then he handed the package containing the dress over to her.

Amanda took it and hugged it to her chest. "You still don't like it, do you? Even though it's so beautiful."

"It is… very human."

Once alone in the room, she just stood there, staring into space. She had to force her reeling mind to remember why she was there, to get on with it. She took off her robe, folded it, then stared at it. Even these scholarly clothes would be preferable to her dress in Sarek's eyes, Amanda thought. Time and time again over the past days he had urged her to wear Vulcan formal robes. Finally, she had suggested earmuffs to make the picture complete. He had eased up after that, assuring her that he did not wish her to appear less human, but merely to show to all the Vulcans present that she respected their way of life.

And what of the humans present? Amanda thought. What of her acquaintances, who would never quite be friends because all the times she had adopted Vulcan behaviour were seen by them as a betrayal, a rejection of things human.

Once again she asked herself why they had gotten married. He had been three times her age, had merely looked twice as old as her twenty years and had not made any excuses for the numerous disagreeable Vulcan traditions he had expected her to follow. Not to mention that he was constantly trying his best to purge himself of all emotions - with questionable results in her opinion.

And what of him? Why had a high-ranking ambassador and traditional Vulcan married a human girl of no great distinction? It was not even their social position, or the fact that he was so much older and wiser than her. Moving aside everything superficial, on their innermost level, Amanda was a scholar, perhaps of some importance in her field, but forever removed from the heartbeat of life. Sarek affected the lives of billions of people.

So why had he wanted her? A human man might have married a pretty, amenable young woman for very simple reasons, but those were not applicable in Sarek's case. Or were they? Amanda had been thinking about what T'Lin had told her about Sarek liking to get his way. And then, only a few hours ago, Sonak had said something similar, if in a much more insulting fashion.

No. Amanda discarded that possibility as soon as it had occurred to her. She was bonded to Sarek. Their mutual deceptions did not matter. She knew Sarek, knew what he was all about. He trusted her, recent events notwithstanding. He valued her point of view as it was so far removed from his own. There were those slightly xenophilic tendencies, as well. She knew that he was attracted to her culture and wished to learn more. She knew what she meant to him. How much she meant to him. Even if he would never say.

The bond. Of course. Why had she not thought of it sooner? For a moment she felt herself hesitate. It just felt wrong to use the bond to spy on Sarek. Then she discarded all her better impulses and tried to remember.

Had she felt anything unusual from him during the rain? With a pang of regret she admitted to herself that it was not unusual for her nowadays to ignore the bond. But really, there had not been much to listen for. He had been extremely controlled, with not a single impulsive sensation sent her way. In hindsight she could tell he had been deliberately controlling. She had not noticed because all she had felt was calm. Nothing exciting, especially after. Aha! Now that really had been unusual.

Days before the rain the heat had been overwhelming. The most frustrating part had been the weather forecast that insisted that the temperature was well within the norm, much lower than she felt it to be. It must have been the increased humidity, she now realized. Sarek had been as badly affected as her. In fact, for the first time since she could remember, he had really minded the heat. He had felt hot. No, not just felt it. He had been hotter to the touch. Even his superior Vulcan temperature regulation had started to fail. But of course he had insisted the weather forecast was correct and the temperature was fine.

It had not been just the heat, though. There had been this. tension. Never stopping, never varying, it had coloured every other sensation. It had been quite subtle. For a while she had not been sure whether it had just been her own distress about the weather or whether it really had been coming from Sarek.

And there had been the waiting. Suddenly she realized that Sarek had known the rain was coming. His whole being had been filled with the expectation of it. There had also been this half-formed thought that something would happen when the rain started. She thought maybe he hoped the tension would end.

It had not. It was true something had released in him when it started to rain even though in her own euphoria she had almost missed it. But the tension had remained. It had been there when she had walked drenched into his office, all through the rain, and even after it stopped up to the present. The waiting was over, and now he was filled with this. energy? that he was desperately trying to suppress. To keep it hidden from her?

She could not tell any more than that. But it was enough. She surprised herself by the level of excitement she felt at finding her next clue, even if she dared not speculate what it might mean. She briefly wondered if Sarek had felt her reaction and if he wondered what the reason was for it.

Truth was she did not know herself. Why was she so determined to figure out what he was hiding from her? It was not like it was the only secret between them. This lack of true intimacy between them coloured every aspect of their lives, every interaction. They both did everything to guarantee a smooth, regulated, predictable, routine day-to-day life that almost guaranteed a lack of emotional response. And Amanda could not have said why she still kept up with it.

It was exactly what all her human relations had warned her against. What she herself had feared would force her to leave him eventually.

The worst of it was that Sarek did not seem to notice that anything was amiss. Amanda had finally admitted to herself that he obviously accepted things as they now were. It was that realization that had finally led to her decision. She was going to leave him. Eventually. She had decided that a long time ago, but was less sure about the specifics. When Spock was a little older and could deal with the change, she supposed. She just could not bring herself to set a concrete date. In the meanwhile, she tried to enjoy her remaining time with Sarek.

Which brought her to her next question. Why was she annoyed with everything he said? The whole time she had been talking to him, she had had this irrepressible urge to disagree with everything he said, to make him see that her opinions were far from what he thought they were. She wanted him to really see her, to understand how things really stood between them.

But that was exactly what she had been doing her best to avoid these past years. She did not want to hurt him any more than absolutely necessary. And if she was to leave him, and there was nothing he could do about that.

But she had been so hurt about his refusal to tell her his secret. The thought that he did not trust her was intolerable. As if she really deserved complete trust from him. As if she was not going to betray him, leave him and break his ever-denied heart. But she had almost forgotten all about -

She was never going to leave him. The thought crashed down on her with all the force of a revelation. It sunk her in utter despair and filled her with a dark, unbridled ecstasy.

She was not sure how long the chaos reigned in her mind, but finally her thoughts formed into something resembling an order. So it was true that she preferred her sterile marriage to any other superficially more fulfilling relationship. That did not mean she had to accept this distance between them. She would not have that. Now that she found that her staying was unalterable, her lethargy, her unwillingness to work on their relationship would have to stop. She had to finally accept what could not be changed and improve what she could. Whether or not Sarek wished it.

Only, she was quite certain that Sarek did wish it.

Living on Vulcan for so long, she had eventually figured out that in a good marriage, couples were close, even here. Only the two of them were like Vulcan and T'Kuht: locked together, yet never touching.

Maybe they could even mindmeld in the near future. She had only thought it to her advantage that Sarek thought she disliked melding. In some twisted way he had probably only thought it fair. Oh, but she had missed them almost as much as -

Time to go. She was wearing her human dress now. It was purple, smooth silk, falling down on her like cascading water, light reflecting in its folds. She walked towards the door still barefoot, her hips swaying with each step making the light dance all around her, and it all reflected back to her face, in her eyes, making them look like precious stones.

She opened the door to Sarek, presenting her bare back to him, under the open dress. "Can you zip me up?"

There was a moment's hesitation, and she turned her head back to look over her shoulder at her husband. He was looking at her intently. His eyes were hidden in the darker light of the corridor, shadows dancing over his face. He looked dark, alien. He stepped closer, light falling on his face. For a moment his expression from the shadows followed him. Then he blinked, seemed to focus on the situation at hand. "Certainly," was all he said, before moving in to help her with her dress.

Amanda turned back, upset, trying to figure out the meaning of his gaze and ban it from her memory at once, just like she tried not to notice the shaking of his hands on her back.

 

Chapter 13

 

The preparations were complete, the hall ready to receive guests when they arrived. Not unexpectedly, considering that Vulcans never did anything last minute, nothing showed that the commemoration was starting earlier than planned.

Except for the guests.

Non-Vulcan guests started to arrive first, disgruntled by the fact that they had been asked to come earlier without any explanations.

From then on it was all a little blurred. Dignitaries were being announced one after the other. The stream of people would not lessen, slowly filling up the hall. Amanda was at her most insincere, exchanging a few charming words with everyone, trying to pretend she had an idea who they were. She should have stayed at home and read her book, thought Amanda. She should never have come, for she did not belong there. This was not her world, it was Sarek's. And he had wished her to come, to make a good impression, despite her purple dress.

Just one drink, she told herself, I'll only have one drink, when she felt she could no longer keep up with the guests rushing in and had to make a little pause.

"Dixie Lynn?" asked the woman next to her.

"Yes."

The hazy figure instantly became tangible to Amanda. The name of the designer of her dress passed like a secret code between them, identifying them both as Humans. They smiled at each other.

Introductions followed. Earlene, so the other woman's name, was the wife of some dignitary. She had been here on Vulcan for over a year now, and was congratulating herself on having held out for so long.

Amanda did not know how to reply to that. Something in her expression must have given it away, though, that she disagreed with the sentiment.

Earlene gave her a winning smile. "Oh, they're not all that bad. I just mean... this! I'm sure they did their best, but Vulcans just can't do party."

Amanda looked around herself, at all the prominent guests, all the luxury surrounding them. "I don't know. They seem to have done all right."

"Please! Telling us at the last minute to come early. If they had at least told us to come late... They have no respect for all the work that goes into such an evening. The hair, the make-up..."

"Yes, well, I guess there's that. But all the rest--"

"And, anyway, why the rush? For such obsessively organized types it just seems awfully spontaneous."

Amanda drew in a sharp breath. Even someone like Earlene had noticed the nervous energy surrounding the Vulcans. She smiled at Earlene, trying to look compelling. "Just shows you can't plan everything. Something always comes up."

"So you don't know anything either?"

There was something patronizing about the way Earlene asked the question that immediately put Amanda on the defensive. "About what?"

"Oh, you must have noticed. Vulcans have been acting really odd these last few days. But of course it's all being hushed up. I thought, being married to Mr. Sarek, you might know. Doesn't he tell you such things?"

Amanda bristled. It was one thing to believe Vulcans to be misogynistic. After all, she used to think the same thing before coming to live here. But she found it more than a little annoying how complete strangers could just assume she had no backbone for choosing to live here, how they could pass judgement on her and think of her as someone who would accept to be treated as inferior.

She decided she would explain a few of Earlene's misconceptions about Vulcans. But she did not come very far. She had barely spoken a few sentences to the politely disbelieving Earlene, when she heard Sarek's "My wife, attend," just a few feet away.

He seemed in full ambassador mood. Resignedly, Amanda excused herself and hurried over to her husband.

T'Pau and the rest of the council were arriving and Sarek wanted her to greet the newcomers and generally mingle with people instead of having a private chat. He then completely failed to understand her anger at being called away and told what to do. After all, that was why she was accompanying him in the first place. Being there was part of Sarek's work, and she was supporting him.

When she saw the ministers for the first time she almost forgot her arguments with Sarek. T'Pau was in the middle of the group, flanked by her colleagues from all sides. Amanda could remember her impressions on the few occasions she had met her before. T'Pau had always seemed larger-than-life, easily commandeering everyone's attention. But now she seemed strangely lost, unsure of her place, and for the first time Amanda became aware just how small the other woman really was.

Amanda knew from her mother-in-law that T'Pau's bondmate had died not long ago. It must be quite a blow to her, Amanda thought. No wonder she looks lost: first her bondmate, and now her final moments doing her life's work.

If it had been her in the Vulcan woman's place, she would not have known how to get on with life. Maybe there was something in all that non-emotionalism, Amanda mused. It certainly made things easier. T'Pau, who was still middle-aged by Vulcan standards, would bond again, as all Vulcan women were expected to do, to guarantee the survival of all men. And then... Amanda had to admit she had no idea what T'Pau was going to do next.

Standard phrases were exchanged, and people began to mingle. Everything was going according to etiquette, but there was no hiding the tension. Amanda realized that, this time, it did not all come from the rain. So there had been a reason for Sarek's obsessive preparations for this event. It had something to do with what T'Pau was planning to do now that she was no longer head of the council. Sarek thought it could affect Vulcan's role in the Federation, though Amanda could not see how.

He had tried to explain it to her, as well. In that infuriatingly vague terms politicians used when they did not know something for sure and would not say anything to incriminate themselves. Sarek had finally learned not to talk like that when it came to other matters, but when it came to politics, Amanda had to concede defeat. It had become an inseparable part of Sarek's personality long before she had met him.

The Vulcan council members were keeping more quiet than usual, and with their lack of talent for small talk it should have made for a very quiet evening. Everyone else, though, was trying to get them to talk. Skon had taken his customary place in front of T'Lin, who was barely saying a word. Her father-in-law on the other hand, was answering all questions directed towards her in a less than diplomatic fashion.

Seeing Skon, who was usually level-headed, and even calmer than Sarek, act in this fashion, always took Amanda by surprise. Judging from her amused expression, though, T'Lin seemed to be enjoying it.

Amanda soon had enough of the strained atmosphere and went to get a drink. She was in no hurry to return, either, preferring to stay on the sidelines. It was not long after that that Earlene came to get herself a drink as well. They took up their conversation from before. Amanda had to admit, the other woman had rather convincing arguments. []

And suddenly Amanda was no longer sure what she was defending. Sarek had already started to glance over to her, clearly expecting her to get back and mingle with people. She still had not figured out what was going on with these politicians, not that she found that very surprising. Politics had never been her strong suit. Not to mention that ever-annoying secret Sarek was keeping from her.

So Amanda caved. When Earlene noticed Sarek looking over at her, she asked whether he was ordering her to go to him again. Amanda affirmed it; said she had to obey, her husband being Vulcan and all.

It all started to blend together again: faces all looking similar, ever the same handful of words exchanged.

The evening wore on.

She was starting to feel the first hints of tiredness when she found herself with a drink again, in a secluded corner. This time she was alone. There were two Vulcan council members passing by, talking.

"You are certain, then?"

"Quite."

"A priestess. That will certainly cause..."

"Yes. Especially at such a time."

"It is rather fitting."

"That is one possible point of view."

"At least there is no grease involved."

"Indeed. It took us long enough to get away from..."

The voices started to fade. For a moment Amanda considered going after them, and she might actually have gone along with this not very well thought-out scheme that her alcohol-addled brain had cooked up, had she not seen Sarek coming towards her, looking rather grim.

He was angry. For all his impassive features and deliberate gestures, it was quite obvious that he was angry.

He guided her towards one of the cloakrooms and closed the door once they were inside.

His fists clenched, then released. He paced for a few steps, then glanced at her, only to look away again. She watched his fingers intertwine and run along each other in a distracted manner, all the while her eyes fixed on him. She would not start to talk.

"There has been a rumour going around the guests," he finally began, still not looking at her.

"A rumour?"

"As far as I could tell, the general opinion of the Human guests is that I am an inexcusably despotic husband." He paused, finally looking at her. "You would not know where that rumour might have come from?"

"I certainly do know. You've been bossing me around all evening."

Sarek gave an exasperated sigh, something that only ever happened in her presence, and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Amanda, what did you say?"

"Nothing, really; just confirmed what someone already thought," she said with a sweeping hand motion.

Sarek seemed unable to stay still. Amanda watched his fingers move around, mesmerized.

"Have you heard the news?" he said after a moment. Thrown by the sudden change of topic, Amanda could only stare at him.

"T'Pau has announced that she is going to become a priestess. It will be in the news tomorrow."

He was looking at her expectantly, so she said the first thing that came to mind. "So she's not going to be on the Federation Council?"

"Indeed she is not. Vulcan traditionalists are going to see this as her rejection of the Federation."

"Did you see her? She looks rather lost, if you ask me. Maybe she just wanted a bit of a quiet life."

"Amanda, her reasons do not matter." He sounded rather exasperated. "From a pro-Federation point of view, becoming a priestess was the worst choice she could have made. We'll have to try our very best to counteract the damage."

She knew what he was implying. He already had to deal with Vulcan prejudices against Humans. He did not need to think about prejudiced Humans as well. He wanted her to tell him that she understood her position as a Human who had chosen to marry a Vulcan and come to live on his world, her symbolic value, representing the idea of the Federation itself.

She knew she should be feeling, if not guilty, then at least concerned, that her comment might have made his work more difficult, but she did not worry about that. He would manage, she was sure of that. On the other hand, she had not seen him this out of control in way too long for her taste. She did not feel like being obliging. Instead of something appropriately sympathetic, she said: "So you don't think her choice is rather fitting? Especially at such a time?"

He visibly recoiled as soon as the words sank in, leaving him quite speechless. Amanda could not help some dark and unnameable part of her come alive, and take pleasure.

She could almost see the thoughts racing in his mind. She could tell what he was thinking: Does she know?... Oh, what she would not have given at that moment to know!

Silence came between them, as she watched him regain his equilibrium, as she watched this tiny opening, this tiny crack in his otherwise perfect mask disappear in front of her eyes. It was unbearable.

She walked over to him, once again demanding an answer. "Well?"

"I do not." His voice sounded strained, and he was again refusing to look at her.

There was nothing left to say. He was not going to tell her. There seemed to be nothing that could change his mind. The thought tasted of defeat. If she walked out now, she would be going a loser.

Suddenly some part of her bristled at that, and refused to turn away. "Some people think it would be fitting. Why do you think is that?"

For a long moment he held still. Then he opened his mouth to say something.

She was struck with terror he was going to reject her again. Without thinking, she forestalled him. Her fingers touched the side of his neck and jaw, willing him to look at her. "Won't you tell me?" she implored him.

He looked at her then, his eyes dark and fathomless, hiding the storm brewing just beneath the surface. "Yes, I should explain right away..."

The space between them seemed to shrink, disappear with an alarming rate, until -

They jumped apart as soon as they heard the door. Amanda did not know the unnecessarily cheerful Tellarite who was already taking off his outer tunic.

"Ah, Ambassador, there you are. I've been wanting to talk to you all evening." He hung up his tunic and then turned back. "Getting awfully hot in there, isn't it?"

Sarek and the Tellarite walked out together, already deep in discussion.

She needed to get out of there. Enough was enough. She could not go on for one more minute, one second even, without knowing what was happening to her husband. If she had not been convinced that it was impossible, that he would never do such a thing, she could have sworn that Sarek was about to kiss her. In public. On his own initiative.

Still she lingered among the guests, unwilling to do anything rash, until she heard her name in passing. Turning to discover the speaker, she saw T'Lin and Skon moving towards a quiet corner and followed.

"You are considering dismissing him?"

"That would draw too much attention."

"It would, yes."

"One of the new Federation colonies sent us an advertisement for a lecturer position. I might urge Sonak to accept. I believe the experience could broaden his horizon."

"Indeed." The look on T'Lin's face could almost be called mischievous.

Amanda could not believe it. She had told Skon she would deal with Sonak, and yet here he was, discussing how best to get rid of him. They simply did not believe her capable of taking care of her own problems.

It was unacceptable. It was the final straw. She knew she had to do something, and these last news forced her into immediate action.

Amanda passed the security, grateful for Vulcan regard for privacy that meant no one asked her questions. Taking Sarek's aircar, she made her way back to the Academy.

As quickly as she could, she went to the History Zone, then to the room for Ancient Vulcan Sources. Finally standing before the statue, she felt her hands shake as she tried to figure out how to open the hidden door.

It turned out to be surprisingly easy. At the smallest urging the statue turned and revealed the dark staircase she had only discovered a few hours before.

Excitement and fear surged through her as she took the first tentative steps down the stairs. She jumped when the door closed behind her, only now remembering that she did not quite know how to get out of there again.

Calling up all her courage she went on. It was not completely dark, though she could not tell where the light was coming from. She did not know if she should find that reassuring or not.

It did not take long to reach the end of the tunnel that opened in a decently sized cave, which was, not surprisingly, up to the brink filled with shelves. The modern tables seemed painfully out of place, instantly recalling that she had, in fact, not gone on a fantastic adventure and found herself on a different world.

Amanda did not lose too much time looking around. It was altogether too dark, too quiet and to different from what she knew to feel comfortable. Even the sound of her own steps set her teeth on edge.

The shelf she had been looking for earlier was easily found, as was the scroll referenced in the history book. She took out the old manuscript and carefully laid it down on the table.

The text was almost the same as in the history book she had read before, only written in an even older dialect. There it was. The rain before the ceremony... And then it said, 'concluding Rumarie...'

Rumarie... Amanda did not know what that word meant. It was probably nothing, just an archaic form of some ordinary word, but it would not hurt to look. She stood up and turned around.

And gave a startled cry.

It was fortunate she had left the scroll on the table for, surely, she would have dropped it. There was an elderly Vulcan woman standing in front of her.

"Do you wish to stay for the night?"

"What?" Amanda was too stunned to properly react to the calm question.

"I am about to lock this section for the night. I have heard that off-worlders do not have an innate time sense. I thought perhaps you wanted to be reminded..."

The prospect of being locked in for the night was enough to snap her out of it. "Wh-who are you?"

The Vulcan woman raised her eyebrow in what Amanda thought to be surprise. "I am T'Plana." At Amanda's lack of comprehension she added: "The librarian."

The whole situation was just surreal. "I thought there was no librarian." Responding to T'Plana's last statement seemed to be the only thing Amanda seemed capable of.

"Why would there be no librarian?"

"Well... everything's automated... What's there for you to do?"

"Everything needs maintenance. But, it is true, I mostly have to care for the older works."

They fell silent for a moment.

"Uh, how come I've never seen you?"

"I do not know. However, I have seen you. It is probable that you have seen me as well, but simply failed to notice me. I am... somewhat introverted, I believe; not very sociable."

Introverted by Vulcan standards. Amanda could not quite imagine what that must be like. Probably makes Human loners look downright outgoing, she thought. "So you mostly work in here?"

"In this room and the one above us. The section for Ancient Vulcan Sources. There is no automated system to return that to its place." She gestured to the scroll Amanda had taken out.

Amanda wanted to reassure T'Plana that she had been planning on returning it on her own, but then she had another thought. "Did you close the window earlier today? In the upstairs room, I mean."

"Yes." She cocked her head. "You have been looking for something in particular the whole day. May I offer my assistance?"

At Amanda's surprised look, she elaborated: "I am the librarian, particularly well acquainted with this section. I know everything we store in here."

Amanda decided to give it a try, see where it would lead. "I was trying to look up Rumarie."

There was only the barest suggestion of surprise on T'Plana's features. "Ah, I see. You came here to find out how our ancestors observed Rumarie. It has undergone quite a remarkable transformation over the centuries. We do tend to hide, yes, almost try to erase what it used to be like. But it can be a fascinating topic of study from a socio-biological point of view."

While still speaking, T'Plana had walked between shelves and picked up a scroll, two books, and what seemed to be a rolled-up painting or poster. With those in hand, she came back to Amanda's desk.

Still not knowing what was going on, Amanda had at least understood enough to realize she had just struck gold. Barely containing her excitement enough so that she would not snatch the books from the Vulcan woman's hands, she waited impatiently until everything had been laid in front of her and T'Plana had sat down at the table next to hers.

Not knowing where to start, she surveyed the items. The poster caught her curiosity. She wondered what it could be. She unrolled it. And froze.

"It is a reproduction of a cave painting on the outskirts of T'Paal." T'Plana's voice reached her through her daze. "As I said, it is... quite different," she added delicately.

"Uh-huh," Amanda, croaked out, unable to say anything more coherent.

Once again she willed her mind to make sense of what her eyes were seeing. The poster showed Vulcans. Naked Vulcans. There were a horde of naked Vulcans, their bodies covered in what looked to be some sort of grease, chasing each other. Others were huddled up in corners, in various different positions which looked right out of the Kama Sutra.

Her brain finally caught up with her eyes and she dropped the poster as if it was on fire. T'Plana came over and started rolling it up, looking rather disapproving at the treatment it had received. Amanda said sorry, even though it felt foolish, considering the circumstances. Again, it all felt surreal, absurd even. A detached part of her wondered if she would find the whole situation funny were she to be on the outside, looking in.

"Wh-what is that?" she finally managed to ask after T'Plana had sat down again.

"That is what Rumarie used to be like before."

"Before the Awakening?"

"The Awakening certainly helped, but the changes started earlier than that. They only spread slowly though, even after Surak. The last of those... public displays was almost 800 of your years ago."

She looked at Amanda piercingly, sizing up the Human woman in front of her. "You may understand now why it is not a topic for discussion. However, I herd people from your faculty talking, asking themselves how much, if anything, you knew. It was none of my business, and I did not deem it appropriate to interfere. But the very fact that people were debating that topic was strange. The most inappropriate of them all, Sonak. You know him?"

Amanda had found the desk in front of her rather fascinating and did not wish to look up. So she just nodded.

"To wish to know how someone else is observing Rumarie, as if it were something to be proud of - it is highly inappropriate. Their, especially Sonak's, way of binging it into public is too similar to the ways of our ancestors. To observe Rumarie in such a way, to deal with the stress , so to speak, with one's bondmate, is understandable, but everything else is... is not."

So Rumarie only concerned bondmates nowadays. But then, why was it fitting for T'Pau to become a priestess now? A strange thought occurred to Amanda. Could it be that? Could it all be that simple? T'Pau would not have a new bondmate if she became a priestess. In fact, it was one of the very few options that would allow her to remain unbonded without causing a scandal. If she wanted to continue in politics, that would be out of the question, she would most definitely be expected to lead by example.

For all that she told herself that she knew Vulcans had emotions, she always forgot to look for emotional reasons for their actions. She had not allowed to think that T'Pau might not have wished because she was still grieving for her lost bondmate, especially at a time that was especially set aside for bondmates.

On a similar note, it occurred to Amanda that the sort of stress relief T'Plana had been talking about was obviously not limited to Rumarie. The likk'en were sold all the time after all, no matter what Vulcans claimed to the contrary. She did not say that, though. T'Plana was starting to become uncomfortable, if her fidgeting was any indication, and that did not seem like such a good idea if she wanted to hear more.

"But now that the question has been raised, and you have become aware of it, now that you have started looking for answers, I believe it would be best if you knew what is there to know. You have discovered enough on your own that eventually you could have deduced everything I am about to tell you. But I wish to help you. You have encountered the worst sort of treatment from Vulcans over this, and I want to make up for it. I shall try to answer any questions you have."

Unsure just how far out of T'Plana's comfort zone the discussion was, Amanda decided to proceed slowly. "Well, Rumarie was mentioned in the Hair Dispute, and I really don't understand what it has to do with anything."

"Ah, yes. The Tal-Shanar ceremony. Have you ever attended one?"

"The ceremony of transference, that's the one where the priestess gives out water, isn't it?"

"Yes, at the end of the ceremony, the priestess gives out water to drink to all the participants. Symbolically, when the priestess transfers the water, she becomes an oasis, the centre around which people want to live. A new settlement never quite becomes home until there has been a Tal-Shanar ceremony.

"On a more basic level, the transference of water reminds us of the importance of cooperation in the desert, where everyone needs to be close to water, and automatically close together. It reminds us of the importance of sharing resources for everyone's well-being.

"It is one of the very few pre-reform ceremonies that are still observed, and it has remained popular up to the present day. Even priestesses and priests themselves attend Tal-Shanar held by masters or high masters, or even reldai."

T'Plana had no problem giving a fully-fledged talk about a topic she did not find uncomfortable. Amanda had to find her impatience to stay quiet and not tell her to get on with it. Finally, the Vulcan woman made a little pause and Amanda saw her chance to interrupt. "So when T'Mir came to the ceremony with longer hair she was saying that she didn't see the reldai as the oasis?"

"Not just that. The ceremony was performed at a public water source, instead of at the temple well. It was only a few days after the rain and the following Rumarie. The rain water had been efficiently collected, and there was plenty for everyone. Two eras had passed since water actually belonged to the reldai and water supply and distribution was managed by them. At T'Mir's time, the empress ruled over most public water. Only a few private wells belonged to temples and prominent families.

"The reldai no longer distributed water in a literal sense, but Tal-Shanar did not disappear because of that. Even using public water as she was, symbolically the reldai was still the giver of water."

"So T'Mir wanted people to see that the water - and actual power - belonged to her?"

"Yes. Either that, or she was, in fact, as her name suggests, vain enough to want the attention the scandal would cause."

"But Sonak was saying..." Amanda trailed off. A look of understanding passed between the two women, both aware that Amanda should not have known Sonak's opinion regarding the matter, that she did know nevertheless, and that they were both agreed to drop the matter.

"Sonak came here earlier, looking for works by T'Mir's contemporaries who took her side, justified, yes, even endorsed her actions.

"If one wished to debate the question, it would be easy to take the reldai's side. The empresses are a thing of the past, while the reldai, as well as Tal-Shanar have prevailed. One can defend the opposite as well. It was a sign of progress that public water was more or less freely available and no longer owned by the reldai. The technological advancements had made it easy to collect rain water, and store it, in a way that had not been possible during the Age of the Reldai.

However, what Sonak wants... He is the type of Vulcan who prefers to live in the past. And in a somewhat idealized past, at that."

"He is a traditionalist," stated Amanda carefully, becoming aware that T'Plana found it difficult to talk about this.

The Vulcan woman avoided her eyes as she went on. "An extreme case of a traditionalist, yes. One could say, I also live in the past. I have not much understanding of outworlders, nor have I had much contact with them; you," she amended, glancing at the Human woman sat in front of her. "However, you have lived on Vulcan for a considerable time now. You are an acknowledged scientist, and you have managed to fit in with the other staff, despite your emotionalism."

Amanda must have made a face at that, despite her best efforts.

"I did not mean... As I said, I have not met many outworlders. But you seemed interesting. I even considered introducing myself, but of course I did not. I had nothing to say."

"Well, you could've said hello." Amanda was starting to find T'Plana more and more amusing, even if it was unintentional on the Vulcan's part.

T'Plana found the novel idea rather surprising, it seemed. She raised her eyebrow. "Exchange a greeting. Indeed. You are an interesting outworlder. And trustworthy. You have proven you are capable of keeping Vulcan secrets."

"You mean the pon farr?" It was said without thought on Amanda's part, and she grimaced at her faux-pas as she saw the Vulcan woman flinch. "Sorry."

"Yes. Well. Yes. That." She needed a moment to collect her thoughts before she went on. "What Sonak did was inexcusable. And certainly undeserved on your part."

"Sonak, yes, but what about my husband? Shouldn't he have told me?" Surprise registered on T'Plana's face at that very telling question. Amanda bit her tongue. It was because of her pent up frustration that it had slipped out, that she had admitted something so personal.

"His actions, while not entirely correct, are understandable. It is difficult for us to talk about it. But after Sonak's actions you need to be told. Does your husband know--"

"No, he doesn't know about that."

"I am sure he would have told you had he known."

"Why is it such a big deal, anyway?"

"What you mentioned before. The... other." They exchanged a look, confirming that they both knew it was a reference to pon farr. Amanda had enough sense to hold her tongue this time.

T'Plana went on: "It is biological, necessary, and out of our control. This, is not. Even before the Awakening, our ancestors could control themselves long enough to work during the rain, to collect the water first. And then they would douse themselves in Rillan grease and chase each other--" She broke off, not quite able to hide her distaste.

"So they had a little bit of fun, it's not as if--"

"It is not... us. I realize that other species may have different views on the subject, but it is simply not compatible with what we strive to be, what we try our whole life to become. Is that the sort of behaviour you would associate with Vulcans?"

"N-No, I guess not, but... Well, why do you... I mean--"

"Why do we still observe Rumarie?" Amanda nodded. "I am not certain I can explain the... euphoria... rain causes in us after years and years of draught. The problem is that it is, in fact, biological. On Vulcan, the main concern has always been water: how to get it, how to keep it, how to adapt to never having enough. And then to suddenly have so much..."

At Amanda's sceptical expression, T'Plana rushed to explain: "I know, logically it makes no sense. With our modern technology we never have to suffer from a lack of water. But then, our reaction to rain used to be a lot stronger in the past, when it really used to be a need, rather than..."

She looked down on her hands folded in her lap. For a moment there was absolute silence in the room. While T'Plana collected her thoughts, Amanda sat perfectly still, tense, waiting for new information.

"The way we deal with it now, hiding away, then pretending it never happened... When the truth is, all we ever do is wait for rain... The whole planet, in fact: all the flowering plants, leaving their seed in the earth, in hopes that it will rain again; the animals, as well. Not all of them, eggs can be hatched during the cooler months and expected to survive. But mammals, especially the bigger ones, cannot afford that. They have to wait for rain to have their young."

Amanda drew in a sharp breath, causing the Vulcan woman to look up. Seeing the understanding dawn in Amanda's eyes, she quickly looked away again.

"Yes. You see, now, why it is so difficult to talk about this. The accepted theory nowadays is that we used to be like that as well. And that the... other... evolved from this very simple response to natural conditions. Once we learned to manage our water supplies and were no longer as dependent on the weather." The last was said with unmistakeable bitterness and self-deprecation.

Amanda did not see why T'Plana was taking this so badly, but if she had learned one thing since coming to live on her world, it was that there was no point in arguing over pon farr with Vulcans. "Well, it's a good explanation, isn't it?" She still tried cheering up the other woman, feeling pity for her suffering, even if it was self-inflicted and rather pointless in Amanda's opinion.

"A good explanation, yes. All the ceremonies we have built around it, all the secrecy, when all it is, is a response to a change of weather."

"Well, you said it was a theory. There could be another explanation..." Amanda tried again.

"Unlikely. It rains approximately once in seven years on Vulcan... Besides, we are not the only species on Vulcan with this... affliction. Pet sehlats raised in captivity have been noted to mate outside of the rain season on occasion."

What had she been thinking, looking for answers from Sarek, mused Amanda. She should have asked I'Chaya.

"So, this grease they used - What did you call it?" Amanda did not want to push T'Plana too far, but she could only take so much Vulcan prudishness. And she wanted to make sure that she had all her answers.

As expected, T'Plana stiffened at the question. "You mean Rillan grease?"

"Yes, that one. Is that what they used instead of likk'en in the past?"

"Only during Rumarie, and only the less privileged masses during those public... events. It was... easier to share, and - and faster to use, I guess."

"So during other times they used likk'en?" At the question T'Plana squirmed. "Well, I'm not one to find that improper. I think it's perfectly natural."

"And, I guess, for Humans it is. Your... social behaviour agrees with your biology. But Vulcan biology is different. The very fact that we need artificial... help... shows just how unnatural--"

"The likk'en is hardly artificial. It's really very organic." Amanda knew she should not have said that. T'Plana was trying to help her, after all, and she was only repeating a standard Vulcan opinion. But how Amanda hated hearing it.

"You disagree."

"I didn't mean any offence--"

"I am not offended. But I still believe that you are arguing without taking our differences into account. We are not like you. Cannot be. The inefficiency of your biology would be wholly unsupportable here. We evolved on a world that required us to go for days without water. We had to adapt, to not lose a single drop of water if it could be avoided. Vulcans practically do not sweat. We do not... All our bodily systems are adapted to desert conditions. Outside of... our time... there are no hormones, no seed, no eggs, and no urges. It was only due to our ancestors' decadence that--"

"But none of that changes during the rain any more, does it?"

"Quite surprised by this new thought, all T'Plana would say was: "Fascinating."

Amanda suppressed a smile at that. She decided she had pushed T'Plana far enough and let go of the questioning. She had given her enough to think about. She knew from personal experience how difficult Vulcans found to discuss their biology, much less change their opinions about it.

Amanda turned to the books T'Plana had brought for her. The scroll contained a rather detailed description of Rumarie as experienced by the writer. One of the books was an outdated medical text, dealing with, among other things, pon farr and Rumarie. The second book was old literature dealing with the same. She did not have to look far to find it, the poem Sonak had been reciting during their discussion of rain.

The dew on the grass in the misty half-light -  
The remains of the wild storm, bringing new life -  
Set me aflame, reminding me  
Of your exhausted body, resting on mine.

"It is, not unexpectedly, blunt and transparent."

"And to the point. How do you expect to keep it secret with such evidence?"

"We have managed so far."

"What about that cave painting? Someday, some tourist is going to run into it and put two and two together."

"I doubt that. Tourists have been coming to Vulcan for centuries. I have the impression that other species are not very proficient at uncovering secrets."

"Not as nosy as you Vulcans, huh?" muttered Amanda, half-heartedly wishing T'Plana ha not heard her.

"We are curious people." T'Plana sounded rather pleased. "So are you," she added with approval.

"Why, thank you." Amanda had to stifle a laugh. "Well, they are not going to learn anything from me."

T'Plana raised an eyebrow at that. Clearly, the matter should have been so obvious as to not require further assurance. "I will keep our conversation quiet as well. What has been discussed here shall stay between us."

When she arrived back at the commemoration, people had already started to leave the building. Sarek was outside, at the former parking space of his aircar.

They drove home in silence, Amanda refusing to tell him where she had been and what she had learned while still inside the aircar. In the end, she did not have to tell him anything at all. Instead, she asked him for a meld.

If the request was unexpected, what he learned from it was ten times more so. It had never occurred to him that Amanda had considered leaving him; much less her reason for that.

They discovered they had both grown over the years. That fact was unsurprising in Amanda's case, her still being so young. But Sarek also had changed. He had come to a much better understanding of her over the years.

In the beginning, Sarek had been appalled by the Humans' preoccupation with intercourse, and Amanda had not been any different. So he had gone into the other extreme, taking on a traditional Vulcan attitude. He stuck with the story that intercourse outside of pon farr was unnatural to him, but that he would compromise on her behalf.

Needless to say, Amanda's requests had decreased dramatically until they had moved into different bedrooms. It made sense, they preferred different room temperatures. His decision had rarely bothered Sarek, and never as much as in the last few days.

Amanda had to admit, in the beginning, she had not wanted to see how different from her Sarek really was. The more he tried to dissuade her of the idea, the more she was convinced that it was all just cultural conditioning.

For a long time, she had thought that he would change, or rather, admit that their couplings, which were far between and decreasing, meant more to him than he let on.

Only the fact that it was biological had convinced her that he was not lying. And that realization had almost led her to divorcing him. Rumarie made that explanation rather questionable, and that was why Sarek had so stubbornly refused to tell her about it.

But now, after five years of getting to know each other, of living together, they both felt that they would be able to compromise. Really compromise, instead of trying to impose their own ideas on the other.

As it was the reason for their renewed understanding and the cause of a new beginning, Rumarie was observed with the courtesy and gratitude it was due.

 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: The main reason I left the story unfinished for so long is that I don't really like Sarek in this. I wanted to write about a theory I had about Vulcans, and to make the whole thing interesting, I wanted to have Amanda figure it out slowly. But the only way to do that would be for Sarek not to tell her, which makes him... well, not exactly an ideal husband.
> 
>  
> 
> But at least the story is finished and the secret solved.


End file.
